Me: Shorty… I got good news and bad news. Which you want first?
Shorty: What?
Me: Say lah… which you want first?
Shorty: Good news.
Me: The good news is that I made a modification to our shampoo bottle so that more shampoo comes out when you press it.
Shorty: Ok what’s the bad news.
Me: I actually dropped the bottle in the shower. So now there is a huge crack in the middle. When you squeeze it shampoo pours out from everywhere, not just the top.
#211
In the car…
Shorty: WOAAWWWWW YOU FART AH !!!!!
Me: HEHEHEHEHEE….
Shorty: FUCK LA DAMN SMELLY LAH!!!
Me: HAHAHAHAH
Shorty: Stop farting lah!
Me: How to stop?
Shorty: Go shit lah you… no manners…
Me: HAhahaha
Shorty: Kurang ajar….
Me: HAHAHAH!
5 minutes later…
Shorty: I STILL SMELL THE REMNANT FART IN THE CAR!!!
10 minutes later Shorty is playing with my car radio and changes the song…
Me: Excuse me…
Shorty: Ya ok wait wait I’m playing back….
Me: ….
Shorty: FUCK LAH YOU FART AGAIN AH!!!
Me: I said excuse me what! Cannot say I kurang ajar this time.
Shorty: I thought you were saying excuse me about the car radio.
Me: You jumped to that conclusion yourself.
Shorty: FUCK LAH!!!
#212
Me: I like having short hair. I think one day I want to shave my head bald.
Shorty: Then you better lose weight first.
#213
Shorty likes Mariah Carey’s Fantasy. One day in our study.
Shorty: *plays Mariah Carey’s Fantasy and does a stupid dance*
Shorty: Wow Fats I can’t believe in a few months Fighter will be born and we’ll be parents.
Me: Yep.
Shorty: It’s so soon.
Me: Not soon enough for me. I’ve been waiting a long time for this.
Shorty: Not that long what. Few months only.
Me: No I have been waiting all my life to have a baby.
Shorty: Please lah… are you saying you wanted to have kids since you were 1 years old?
Me: Yes. When I was one years old I looked at myself in the mirror, masssaged my chin and went “Hmm… Imma have one of those one day”.
Shorty: HOW CAN!
#209
Shorty loves Stitch from Lilo & Stitch. The only thing she likes more than Stitch is nothing (haha geddit geddit?). So one day I found some Stitch stickers on Line. I decided to buy them and show them to Shorty. This is what happened.
Walks into the study to see Shorty sitting like this one day.
Me: WAH SITTING LIKE A GANGSTER HUH THIS SHORTY!
Shorty: HEHEHEHE
#207
Last Friday Shorty came over to my office for a meeting. The meeting was at 1PM so she asked me for lunch…
Me: Your meeting 1PM how to go out for lunch like that?
Shorty: Eat around your office la!
Me: So uninspiring! I eat around my office every day! Friday I want to go out and eat something inspiring….
Shorty: What do you want to eat?
Me: I don’t know… yong tau foo, char siew fan… anything nicer than what I usually eat around my office.
Shorty: Eat tomorrow lah….
Me: Fine….
Shorty: So what you want to eat around the office?
Me: Pappa Rich lah….. the food there is nice.
Shorty: Ok.
Later while walking to Pappa Rich
Me: Haih… we could have been on the way out to eat something more inspiring *whines*… but nooo… just because you had to put a meeting at 1PM we got no time. Right smack in the middle of lunch time.
Shorty: Aiyo… still complaining huh this Fatty.
Me: I mean Pappa Rich is quite nice lah but I can eat it every other day!!! *continues whining*
While at Pappa Rich waiting for our food to come…
Shorty: Is that a….. COCKROACH!!!!!!
Me: What where?
Shorty: THERE!!!
Me: Aiyah it’s just a small one.
Shorty: KILL IT KILL IT !!!!
Me: Dowan lah… don’t want to dirty my hands. It’ll go away.
Shorty: KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!!!
Me: Fine la fine la! *takes tissue and squishes cockroach*
Shorty: It’s not dead yet.
Me: It’s dead lah.
Shorty: *comes over and hammers the tissue a few more times*
Me: It was already dead lah!
Shorty: Can never be too sure.
Me: SEE LA… Come here eat uninspiring lunch and have to kill my own cockroach!!! *complains*
So since Shorty found out that I have a friend named Robin, she hasn’t stopped with the Robin jokes.
#203
Shorty: Did you ask Robin which postal service he used to ship back his stroller when he bought it from the US?
Me: Yah.
Shorty: Really??? Which service did he use?
Me: It wasn’t a postal service. He was shipping some stuff back for his business so he managed to sort of tumpang.
Shorty: Ohh…
Me: Yep… so cannot lah. We have to figure out our own way.
Shorty: So the Boy Wonder doesn’t save the day huh?
Me: Ohh…. still making Robin jokes huh!
Shorty: HAHAHA!
#204
Robin was really nice to invite us to watch the new Superman (Man of Steel) at a movie screening he organized. During the part of the movie when Superman was fully dressed out in his suit…
Shorty: You know what Robin is thinking right now?
Me: What?
Shorty: He’s thinking “Damn his cape is nicer than mine”.
Me: ….
#205
We were talking about some billionaires one day in the car.
Me: It’s amazing how these people get so rich.
Shorty: Yeah….
Me: I really wonder how they do it.
Shorty: Do you know how I got rich?
Me: How?
Shorty: By “Robbin” (Robbing)…. HAHAHAHAH
Me: Still not over the Robin jokes huh.
Shorty: HAHAHAHA come on you want to laugh too. You think it’s good.
Me: Bob has 40 chocolate bars. He eats 35. What does he have left?
Shorty: What?
Me: You tell me.
Shorty: I want to say 5 but you sure say wrong one.
Me: Only one way to find out.
Shorty: Fine…. 5.
Me: Wrong… HAHAH
Shorty: Then what’s the answer?
Me: Diabetes. Bob has diabetes. *grins*
Shorty: ….
Me: You know you want to laugh too… come on don’t hold it back… HAHAHA
Shorty: No I laugh because you damn stupid your face.
#202
On a weekday morning I wake up and get ready to go to work. I turn off the air con then turn on the fan because it’s really cold. Shorty is still in bed. Just as I was about to leave the room…
Shorty: Hmfff… hmff fhhh frrrhhh!!!
Me: What?
Shorty: Hmmmfff hmfff frrhhh air-con!!
Me: What?
Shorty: On back the air-con asshole!
Me: Oh ok sorry. *turns on air-con*
The next day in our room. I’m swinging my golf club practising my golf swing when I accidentally hit her dressing table with it.
Shorty: Oi fuck la what are you doing!?!
Me: Ooops hehehe.. sorry.
Shorty: -____-
Me: Ohhh so vulgar huh this Shorty. Few days ago call her husband an asshole. Then today say “Fuck lah!”.
Shorty: Of course lah! What kind of idiot swings a golf club in his bedroom?
“Ok today I had an idea. You see, Shorty and I say all sorts of things to eat other. Sometimes they’re things to annoy each other, to make each other laugh or smile or even just to insult each other sometimes. It’s always the dumbest things that we say sometimes and I wish I could remember them all but I normally forget it by the next day because there are new things to said then. So I decided that what I’ll do is every time we say something silly I’ll remember it and try to put it on my blog by night. I’m gonna call this Things Shorty & Fatty Say.”
It was just about 8 months ago when I wrote that. I didn’t think much of it to be honest. It wasn’t meant to try to portray Shorty and I as a sweet or cute couple or anything (I guess if I wanted to do that I shouldn’t have included conversations of us farting or saying bad words at each other). It was just meant to share our conversations. We don’t have a really mushy mushy or romantic relationship neither do we think of ourselves as a “perfect couple”. Actually what I think about our relationship was best said in my wedding speech last year.
“Audrey and I are very far from a perfect couple. She’s short, I’m fat. She’s forgetful, I have a bad temper. She falls sick once every two weeks, and I have recurrent medical problems with my eyes. We annoy each other almost every day… but somehow in the weirdest way that I nor the universe can understand… we make each other happy.”
“We are one of the most imperfect couples out here… but we think we’re perfect for each other. So that’s why we’re all here today. To celebrate the wedding of an imperfect couple that is perfect for one another.”
Initially I thought Things Shorty & Fatty Say was something I would do for a while that’s why I thought maybe ending at #100 would be good. Then I had requests to continue it so I decided to do another 100 to #200. Then I read all your comments on my recent post and I was a little moved. I say a little because Shorty thinks I’m made of stone. That she has never seen my cry before although in my defence I think I’ve cried many many times. (Real men cry. We cry man tears. Have you ever seen a man “teardrop”? It’s buff on top and slims down as you follow it down. Kinda like an inverted normal tear.)
Reading your comments was indeed such a reward for me.
For some, Things Shorty & Fatty Say made you laugh, for some it inspired you, for some it made your day and for most… it made you happy in some way. That’s the biggest reward that blogging has ever brought me. To bring happiness or to inspire someone. So yes I’ve decided to continue. Not for another 100 to end at #300… but to keep on going as long as I can (although one day this has to stop somewhere right?).
So thank you for your nice comments and thank you for inspiring me. #201 will come in the next few days 🙂
Oh and please download to read these updates from your iPhone or Android.
I’ve already written what I think might be the last Things Shorty & Fatty Say #200. I know some of you have commented and asked that this go on but let me explain why I think it has to end. I believe that all good things have to end some time. It’s just a matter of when. It’s whether you want to end on a high or on a low. Sir Alex Ferguson had to choose a time he had to retire from being manager of Manchester United, and Shorty’s favourite TV show friends had to end too.
Everything has a shelf life and my fear is that if Things Shorty & Fatty Say go on to say #1000, eventually you guys are going to get so bored of it, it’s going to have a very sad ending. That’s why I want to end it. Not because I don’t have fun documenting our conversations sometimes… but because I think we should choose to end things at its peak, although I think its sort of passed its peak in a way. Why do I think it’s passed its peak? I look at the number of comments I get and I don’t get as many comments as I used to.
So today I decided to really reflect on whether this should continue or this should stop now. I went through and read all the #199 other conversations I have put on this blog. Some made me aww…. some made me laugh but all of them made me smile. I decided to compile my 10 personal favorites. Here they are. (be warned… super long post ahead)
Edited: Ok some of you guys have asked for an English translation of the Malay verses below so I’ve edited them in
————–
Hi Guys,
Ok ok because of the overwhelming comments I got in the previous post about Things Shorty & Fatty Say, I’m going to extend it for another 100 ok? #100-#200. I initially thought that it wasn’t that popular because I didn’t exactly get that many comments or NuffnangX likes on the Things Shorty & Fatty Say posts. So you see? If you don’t comment I don’t think you like them. Anyway I’ve decided to continue for another hundred. So starting today I started paying attention to the things Shorty and I say to each other.
#101
I was away in Singapore for Valentine’s Day for work. Then I came back on an early morning flight today.
Me: Shorty! I bought something for you for Valentine’s Day.
Shorty: What what? *stands in front of me with hands together like a child waiting for a present*.
Me: TADAAA!!! Hello Kitty Toothpaste!
Shorty: OOOoooooo
Me: And Hello Kitty toothpaste won’t be complete without….. TADAAAAA… HELLO KITTY TOOTHBRUSH!
Shorty: WOOOOoooo… OK I GO BRUSH MY TEETH NOW…. ah dammit I brushed already.
Me: Brush tonight la… what’s the hurry? Why get present must straight away use?
Shorty: HEHEHE
Me: OK! Imma go sleep now… damn tired.
*I go to shower and crawl to bed to sleep after*
—- 1 hour later——
Me: *gradually wakes up and rolls around the bed only to suddenly see Shorty bent over me staring at me* EEEYAAAAHHH!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?
Shorty: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Me: Leave me alone!
Shorty: Ooooo very apt huh the shirt you wearing now. Come I take picture.
Me: DON’T YOU DARE! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Shorty: *snaps*
Later on that day when I saw that picture.
Me: WHY YOU TAKE THIS PICTURE OF ME!!! FROM BELOW MY CHIN SOME MORE SO UGLY LOOK LIKE I AM DAMN FAT LIKE THAT!!!
Shorty: HAHAHAH!!!
#102
Shorty and I went to the club in the afternoon. I went to play some golf and Shorty went for a swim. We met up for an early dinner later on at a Japanese restaurant.
Me: So how was your swim Shorty.
Shorty: Hmmm… was ok?
Me: Was the pool nice?
Shorty: Ya… I think I attracted quite a bit of attention.
Me: Why?
Shorty: I was kicking around with my papan apung in the kids pool. Then the life guard asked me why is it I don’t swim in the adults’ section and I said I scared.
Me: Scared what you have a papan apung!
After dinner while walking out of the restaurant.
Me: Come I help you carry your Papan apung la since you carrying so many things.
Shorty: HEHEHE…. Saya sebuah papan apung. Bertuahnya saya makan bersama pemilik saya makanan Jepun malam ini. (I am a float [common essay title for learning Malay in primary school]. I’m so lucky to have a Japanese dinner with my owner tonight)
Me: HAHA!… Nasi Goreng Garlic yang dimakan bestnyaaa…. (The garlic fried rice that was served tonight was awesome)
Shorty: Mmmmm ya saya dapat bau Nasi Goreng Garlic itu… (I got to smell the garlic fried rice)
Me: Sebelum makan malam, saya berenang dengan pemilik saya di …… (Before my dinner I swam with my owner at the…)
Shorty: Kolam renang… (swimming pool)
Me: Di kolam renang kanak kanak. Malunya berenang bersama kanak kanak. Bila lifeguard tanya pemilik saya mengapa tak berenang di bahagian orang dewasa pemilik saya kata …. takut. (At the children’s swimming pool it was so embarrassing to swim with the kids. When the lifeguard asked my owner why is it she doesn’t swim in the grown-ups pool she said…. she’s afraid).
Shorty: *wakes up from an afternoon nap after I come back from work* Fatty!
Me: Wah good life huh! Sleeping while your husband works to put food on the table huh!
Shorty: HEHEHE… I just had one of the best dreams ever.
Me: What what?
Shorty: I dreamed that I was still living in my home. My old home when I was a kid. And I had a small pet elephant.
Me: …
Shorty: And the elephant is damn cute! It’s damn round. The backside is like a basketball like that. In the dream it fell into a pail of water and when it fell you can see the big round ass sticking up. AHAHAH damn cute.
Me: Okay…
Shorty: Such a nice dream such a nice dream….
10 minutes later…
Me: Do you know that our neighbors have a cat?
Shorty: When did you go to our neighbors house?
Me: When you were sleeping.
Shorty: WOW SO MUCH HAPPENED WHEN I WAS SLEEPING. I had an elephant, the neighbor had a cat.
#142
Me: I love this song!
Shorty: That sounds like the kind of song that you will like.
Me: What is the kind of song that I would like?
Shorty: You know… All American Reject-sy type.
Me: You also what! You like everything that sounds Beatles!
Shorty: No… I like so many types of songs.
#143
I recently bought a set of Doraemon stickers on Line. I never thought of myself as one to buy Line stickers but some of the cute ones make Shorty and I laugh a lot sometimes and so I thought all the laughs we had from them were worth the few dollars we paid. Here are some of the conversations we had with my new Doraemon stickers. Somehow they all revolve around planning for meals. Heh.
a) When Shorty told me that dinner was going to be late. (This was the first time she saw my Doraemon stickers)
b) When I was supposed to meet Shorty and her parents for dinner and I thought I was going to be late.
c) When Shorty was asking me what our dinner plans were before our dinner/movie date.
d) When Shorty was telling me that dinner was cooked and she was waiting for me.
e) When Shorty asked me what our lunch plans were while I was at work.
Shorty and I were going through a whole long list of baby names to see what we would name Fighter if it turned out to be a boy or a girl. So we were going through the names for boys.
Shorty: Tyler.
Me: Nah.
Shorty: Connor.
Me: Nah…
Shorty: How about Luke?
Me: Nah I already know a Luke.
Shorty: Colin.
Me: How about Megatron …. HAHAHA
Shorty: Don’t be stupid.
Me: Okok… but seriously now… how about Maximus.
Shorty: What kind of name is Maximus?!? What is he? A gladiator in Roman times?
Me: EXACTLY!!! Fighter mah… we can’t have “Fighter” somewhere in his name… so why not name him after a Gladiator.
Shorty: NO.
Me: Why not?
Shorty: He sure kena made fun of wan lah… people in school are going to call him Maxi pad. Even my brother Barry also they call him Straw-Barry.
Me: So what? Nobody would dare make fun of a Maximus. He would kick their ass.
Shorty: WE ARE NOT NAMING OUR SON MAXIMUS!!!
Me: Okay fine…
Shorty: Samuel…
Me: Nope…
Shorty: Caleb…
Me: Nope…
Shorty: How about Parker? Quite nice also Parker?
Me: Hmmm…
Shorty: On second thoughts… don’t want ah, people sure call him “Farker”.
Me: HAHAHAHAA!!!
#151
Shorty and me always fight about who gets to announce things on Instagram/Twitter/Blogs first. So on the day we announced the arrival of Fighter (which was last week)…
Shorty: As the person carrying Fighter in my stomach, I have the right to post first.
Me: Whatt??? But I contributed to the sex of the Fighter.
Shorty: SO!?!?! Big deal! I had to suffer nausea, morning sickness, heartburn…
Me: Why do you care anyway!!! You can post a picture on Instagram one year after I do it and it will still get more likes than me.
Shorty: HAHA so might as well let me post it first.
#152
Back in February while Shorty was in her first trimester, she had all sorts of morning sickness, nausea and all that. So one day while I was away in Singapore for work we had a video call:
Shorty: ARGGGHH!!! I feel like shit lahh… I have nausea and heart burn… I can’t take it anymore!
Me: There there Shorty… it’s all for Fighter ok?
Shorty: FUCKING FIGHTER!!!
Me: OI DON’T CURSE FIGHTER!!! He or she is just trying to grow.
The next morning was Valentine’s Day though so I messaged her to wish her (Note that since my phone got snatched I had to get the following screenshots from Shorty’s phone. And on her phone my name is “Fatty Tiah”.
#153
At the gynae doing our 8 weeks scan to see if Fighter is ok. The screen turns on and we for a brief few seconds we see Fighter’s little legs and hands moving around.
Me/Shorty: IT’S MOVING!!! WOW!
Doctor: Yes yes… it’s beginning to grow its hands and legs.
Shorty: You see that pregnancy test box. Can you tell me what two lines mean?
Me: It means positive.
Shorty: OH MY GAWDDD!!! I think I’m pregnant….
Me: What?
Shorty: I’m pregnant.
Me: No la can’t be. Not so easy one…
Shorty: Well if what you read on the box is true then I am…
Me: …
Shorty: That’s it? No reaction?
Me: Hold on hold on… how do you expect me react to this….
#149
Now that Shorty was pregnant we started reading up a bit about pregnancy. We also learned that 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and for people with Shorty’s condition, that rate jumps to 45%. So Shorty and I were very worried and it was very nerve wrecking just for us waiting to get past the first trimester when the pregnancy stabilized. One day we had this conversation:
Shorty: I”m so worried.
Me: Yeah me too but I don’t think we should be worried. Come on Shorty… our baby isn’t going to give up so easily. He or she is a fighter. You know the song by Gym Class Heroes? The Fighter? That’s his or her theme song. *sings* There goes the fighterrrrrrrr!!!
Shorty: Hahah….
Since that day… we always referred to our baby as Fighter.
Shorty: *plays with her phone while humming Beatles songs*
Me: *farts* 🙂
Shorty: *continues to hum*
Me: *laughs quietly*
Shorty: OH MAI GAWD!!!!! YOU FART AH?!
Me: HAHAAHAHAHAH
Shorty: *winds down window and waves fart out of the car with hands*
Me: What are you doing?!?! All the exhaust smoke from outside coming in!
Shorty: I don’t care! *sticks head out and gasps for air*
*Family of 4 in the next car looks on in distraught*
Me: Baby you’re embarrassing me!
Shorty: You should’ve thought of that when you farted!
—————-
Another day in the car.
Me: *farts*
Shorty: ….. FUCK LA FATTY!!!!!
Me: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Shorty: STOP FARTING LA! GO SHIT LAR YOU!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t help it Shorty… did you know that the average human body farts 12-18 times a day?
Shorty: Did you know that when you smell fart you actually smell it because actual shit particles go into your nose?
Me: Well my Dad told me if I was going to do something, do it well or don’t do it at all.
——————————-
One day in a crowded elevator
Shorty: *slaps me on my arm* FUK LA BABY YOU FART AGAIN AH?
Me: NO IT WASN’T ME!
Shorty: DON’T BLUFF LA!
*Everyone in the elevator shoots me a dirty disgusted look and covers their nose. Except for the real perpetrator that was silently standing the corner smiling away. Asshole!*
Me: Ah nice picture of you. Can see the studio behind.
Shorty: *darts back on to tour bus*
Me: *follows on to tour bus then checks picture Shorty took earlier*
Me: WHAT KIND OF PICTURE IS THIS?! I COULD BE ANYWHERE!!
Shorty: Nuuu the background is very bright.
Me: Then how come I can take such a nice picture of you?
Later on in the tour
Me: Come I take picture of you in front of this police car. Pretend that you’re running away from it.
Me: Nice pictures!!! Alright my turn.
Shorty: *grabs camera and shoots*
Me: Come on… what kind of picture is this? I can’t even see that my legs are running. It looks like I’m clenching my fists to take a shit in front of a police car.
Shorty and I were out in LA today. We were walking outdoors after dinner when…
Shorty: Wah… I’m quite strong ah. Only wearing one layer in this cold and I’m feeling fine.
Me: Please la… it’s like you’re wearing a polar bear on yourself.
#5
The thing about the US is that there’s a really strong tipping culture here. You’re expected to tip at restaurants, at a valet at everything. Most of the time we don’t have a choice so we learn to get used to tipping. At restaurants we normally tip 20%. But at times where we can try to save on the tip, we do. One of those times is when we check-in to a hotel. When a bell-boy offers to help us carry bags we all frantically say “NONONO IT’S OK!! WE’RE FINE THANK U”… even if the two of us are struggling to carry 5 bags.
Today though was different. It was raining while we checked into the hotel so this bell boy came to help us carry the bags in. After we got into the hotel:
Shorty: Shit… now we have to tip.
Me: How much do we tip the bell boy ar?
Shorty: I dunno…
Me: Huh? Then how?
Shorty: I dunno… I dunno anything about tipping wan.
Me: OK QUICK… JUST GOOGLE IT. *Whips out phone to google*
So we were in Pavilion couple of days ago and Shorty was driving. I was sitting shotgun, just chilling when Shorty decided to try reverse park into a lot while other cars waited on. She went back and forth back and forth.
Me: Aunty… reverse la Aunty what you waiting for… no people behind you already… AIYOOO WHY U GO AHEAD AGAIN…
If you don’t get what I was annoying her with. Well… watch this video.
#16
In spite of having the height of a nine-year old, Shorty drives my big car most of the time. It’s an SUV. One day she called me nearly in tears.
Shorty: Fatty I banged your car *pitiful voice*. I’m sorry.
Me: How?
Shorty: I knocked it on the divider coming out of the car park in Jaya One.
Me: What’s the damage?
Shorty: Just some scratches on the side and a dent.
Me: Ah it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.
Shorty: I’m sorry! You’re not angry?
Me: No la… you’re safe la and that can be fixed. Just costs a bit of money but it’s not like you did it on purpose anyway. Did you?
Shorty: NUuuuuu!
#17
She’s been bugging me to change to a smaller car recently though.
Shorty: Fatty please change to a smaller car la!
Me: Why? I love my car! It’s awesome and you can see everyone and everything from up there.
Shorty: It’s too big for me to drive.
Me: You’ll get used to it la. Once you do you can drive ANY car!
Shorty: Noo I’ve been driving it for so long already. I’ll never get used to it. I still keep banging it!
Me: You banged it once only what!
Shorty: Nuu I banged it a few more times.
Me: YOU WHAT?!
Shorty: YOU SEE! I bang it so often now I don’t even bother telling you when I do!
———————-
So that’s it everyone. It’s been a good run. I’m still thinking whether #200 which will be out in a few days will be the last one or not. But if it is… it was a fun journey 🙂
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space