#233

Shorty has been suffering from some really bad rashes lately, a symptom of her pregnancy. Just a few days ago we were out in KLCC shopping for baby stuff. Shorty went into a shop while I waited for her outside… then a few minutes later she came out.

Shorty: People in the shop staring at my face. I’m so ugly =(

Me: No you’re not! Ok no problem. We walk into next shop together. *puts arm over Shorty*. I be with you the whole time so they know this girl with rashes on her face has a Fatty with her.

We walk together into the next shop confidently.

#234

Talking to my mother and Shorty over dinner one day about what to name Fighter.

Me: We’re going to name him Jude Maximus Tiah.

Mom: Chinese name leh?

Me: I was thinking of not giving him a Chinese name. After all I almost never use my Chinese name Ewe Tiam. And it’s not really Chinese Chinese. It’s like Malaysian Chinese kind of name.

Mom: Cannot! It’s your roots. And Chinese names can have really nice meaning. Like your name Ewe Tiam means keep adding.

Shorty: Hmmm so true. Keeps adding indeed….*rubs my stomach*

Me: HEY! Fine fine….. ok I have an idea. Now the reason why Maximus is in there is because Maximus is a Gladiator and we want some part of his name to remind us of “Fighter”. But if you want to make it shorter you can take out Maximus and put the “Fighter” meaning in the Chinese name. Like Jude Tiah Siu Phak (Siu Phak means fight in Hokkien).

Shorty: HAHAHA How can! People are going to make fun of him in school.

Me: No… people will only make fun of him if you name him Tiah Tiuk Phak (Gets beaten up in Hokkien).

Shorty: HAHAHA..

Mom: Cannot. Must follow family name. So must be Tiah Kien something…

Me: Like Kien Wong. Kien Lee…

Shorty: I know I know… Kien Do! (Can do)

Me: Or just in case he has his mother’s genes we call him Kien Grow.

Shorty: Hey!

#231

Shorty and I are having dinner with my family at Nero Tecca.

One of our favorite things to order there is the cold cuts. Since Shorty got pregnant though the doctor has told her that she’s not supposed to eat any cold cuts. But last night…

Shorty: Fatty…

Me: *busy talking to Father*

Shorty: Fatty!

Me: Ya?

Shorty: You think I could have a piece of ham?

Me: Which one? The mortadella?

Shorty: Ya…

Me: Ok *picks up Mortadella to put on Shorty’s plate*

Shorty: Really?

Me: WAIT WAIT … NO YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY! *takes mortadella way from Shorty again*

Shorty: Dammit….

Me: Oh… this girl huh. When I’m distracted talking to my Father you try trick me into allowing you to eat this huh.

#232

Every morning when I leave for work, Shorty is still fast asleep in bed but I normally give her a little kiss on her forehead so she wakes up and mumbles a ‘bye’ to me.

This morning though I woke up and was rushing to work so I didn’t get to give her a little kiss. She called me later on in the morning but I was in a meeting so I couldn’t pick up. So she messaged me.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t updated my blog in a while, it’s because I have been on a mountain for the past few days. I’m part of this organization called Entrepreneur Organization and they put us in a group of other fellow entrepreneurs where we share experiences with one another. Past few days though I was in a golf resort somewhere in some rural mountain in Kun Ming for a retreat with them.

So I had super limited internet connection. The mountain I was on didn’t even have any data. This particular trip though Shorty and I had been missing each other loads too. So whenever I got wifi I sent her a message on Line. We of course had limited conversations in the past few days so there weren’t any usual Things Shorty & Fatty Say. Our conversations were limited to these:

#228

She sent me this message before I even boarded the plane from KL to Kun Ming.

#229

And yesterday when I was about to come back. 

#230

But she did give me some really good news while I was away.

#226

Me: Shorts! Wanna go for Nuffnang movie screening next Tuesday?

Shorty: What movie?

Me: Pacific Rim.

Shorty: What’s it about?

Me: It’s about robots fighting aliens.

Shorty: Whaaaaaattttt…. dowan lahh…. (Shorty hates action movies or most science fiction movies)

Me: Whatttt the trailer looks damn good. Maybe it’s because I over-simplified the plot for you. Ok let me explain the plot in detail to you. In the future, while we always think that aliens come from the sky, aliens actually come from the deepest parts of the ocean. Then they come up and destroy cities and kill people….

Shorty: Wow how original.

Me: But the US government has a secret weapon to fight this threat…

Shorty: Now where have I heard this before? *rubs chin*

Me: You know what… we’re watching this anyway.

#227

Shorty and I went back to Penang over the weekend.

I had to go back for my late uncle’s wake and Shorty being the wonderful wife she is decided to follow me back (I think she was still recovering from withdrawal symptoms from my Australia trip). Shorty is already about 6 and a half months pregnant and when we were checking in on our flight we saw a sign that said that pregnant women should declare themselves. It was my first time traveling with a pregnant Shorty so I thought that it was so the airline can take special care of a pregnant lady. I was wrong though. Right after we declared Shorty was pregnant the customer service officer gave us a long legal document that required us to waive our rights to sue them for anything in case anything happened to Shorty on the flight. This I later learned is really normal procedure for airlines but being naive and all…I took it badly and I kinda scolded the guy.

Later on at the airport though….

Me: Haih… Ya I think I’m in the wrong there. Totally ignorant about this in the first place and the guy at the counter was just doing his job. Haih… I feel bad.

Shorty: Yah… when we first saw him he was a bit cheerful. But after kena scolding already you can see he was pissed off also.

Me: Thanks for making me feel worse Shorty.

Shorty: HAHAHA…

Me: You think I should go back to apologize to him?

Shorty: Well… I think it would make his day again.

Me: Ahh fine…. Kempen Sopan Santun. That means not only should we call out people when they’re rude in public but since I was rude I should go back and apologize to him.

Shorty: Ok lets go.

Me: *starts walking* Ohhh man… this is going to be a long walk….

Shorty: Haha…

Me: I don’t know how I’m going to do this. Do I wait in line for him to serve other customers first or what?

Shorty: I guess so.

Me: When he sees me again he’ll probably me like “Fuk la… this China man fella again. What does he want now? Declare that HE is pregnant?”.

Shorty: Hahaha no Fatty… he was speaking Malay. More likely it’ll be “Puki mak budak ini!”. *

Me: Yeah… he’ll be like “CELAKA BUDAK CINA INI MARI LAGI…. NAK APE LAGGII????” **

Shorty: “Apa lagi Cina mahu???” ***

Me: …… HAHAHAHAHA… good one good one.

In the end I went back to apologize to him. Shorty said he looked kinda stunned… but it brought a smile back to his face. 

——————————————-

For my non-Malaysian readers here is the translation of some of the lines that were in Malay:

*(Translation: <Malay Curse word> this kid)

**(Translation: <Malay Curse Word again> this Chinese kid come again… what else does he want?)

***(Translation: What more do the Chinese want? (The headline of a major newspaper in Malaysia after elections this year when it was found more ethnic Chinese in Malaysia voted for the opposition. That headline later on trended on Twitter.)

#225

I came home and took off my jeans because I was hot. Then was sitting at my computer in our study dressed in my boxers and t-shirt.

Me: *walks to my bedroom then suddenly darts back to my study again* OI!

Shorty: What?

Me: Who’s in our room? I heard someone there.

Shorty: Jane (our maid whose name is not really Jane but lets just call her Jane here in case she doesn’t want her name to be up here).

Me: Never give me warning huh. I’m not wearing pants here.

Shorty: I didn’t know you not wearing pants.

Me: Well now you know. *goes back to computer*

Shorty: OI!

Me: What?

Shorty: *whisper-like shouting* GO PUT ON SOME PANTS LAH!

Me: I want to! But Jane is between me and my pants. What you want me to do?

Shorty: Oh… hehehe…

5 minutes later Jane leaves the room. I’m still hanging around in our study. Suddenly we hear a knock on the door. 

Me: WHO IS IT?

Jane: It’s me.

Me: *Runs to hide behind the sofa.*

Shorty: *walks to open the door* OI …. GOT PANTS OR NOT…

Me: Not yet….

Shorty: Living on the edge ah… GO PUT ON SOME PANTS LA!!!

#224

I’m in Melbourne now to visit the office of Nuffnang Australia and to attend some meetings. First let me show you some pictures of our office in Melbourne that I took this morning. It’s actually in this building that used to be an old cinema or something.

Ok so anyway, my trip here is a really short one. I flew in Tuesday night and I’m flying off Friday afternoon. Towards the end of Wednesday though I realized I managed to finish most my work here on Wednesday itself. So I was thinking of getting a flight back on Wednesday night itself (that means I would have just spent only a day in Melbourne). Plus I miss Shorty and Shorty misses me. So we were discussing this over Line on whether to pay extra to change my flight.

But in the end the price of the ticket change moved up to RM1,000 which is when we decided it was too expensive to change. So I decided to just stay here till Friday.

Miss ya Shorty! Fatty will be home soon.

#223

Shorty is looking at our gynae’s report of Fighter.

Shorty: Shit Fatty…

Me: What?

Shorty: Guess what. Fighter’s head is normal size now… and so is his body.

Me: And?

Shorty: But his legs are shorter than normal.

Me: Dammit Fighter!!! You need to learn that one from Daddy … not Mummy!

Shorty: What? He already got his big head from you!

#221

In the room I’m in my shorts but still picking a t-shirt to wear.

Shorty: OH MAI GAWD

Me: What?

Shorty: You’re so fat! I can’t believe it. I know you always said before that you put on weight but I never really saw it until now.

Me: Yeah thanks.

Shorty: You’re a muffin top now.

Me: I’m not that fat lah… *weighs self on scale*  See ? Only 70.9 KG

Shorty: Let me weigh myself……. Haihhh 45 kg.

Me: …

Shorty: A lot of people say my ass didn’t grow fat at all since the pregnancy but I feel ….

Me: Thanks ah…

Shorty: What?

Me: First you come here when I’m picking a shirt. Then you say I muffin top. Then when you weigh yourself on the scale and it’s a quarter of my weight you sigh like you’re one big fatty.

Shorty: HAHAHA… I’m not a quarter of your weight lah….

#222

The gynae that Shorty and I see for her pregnancy is supposed to be one of the best doctors in KL.

We love her because she really gives you the feeling like she knows what she’s doing and she’s really really thorough. She’s also the nicest doctor but somehow Shorty and I find her a little intimidating. In case she doesn’t want to me on any blog, lets just call her Dr Carol. So one day Shorty and I were talking…

Shorty: You know I really feel intimidated by Dr Carol. Sometimes I actually feel scared to ask her questions.

Me: Yeah I know. Me also. Notice how when we go see her I just sit down and shut up.

Shorty: Haha yah… that day want to ask about whether to circumcise Fighter also I scared.

Me: Yalahh… she was neutral about it la but imagine if she was against circumcision and we asked her. She’d be like “WELL WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR HUSBAND HOW HE’LL FEEL IF WE CUT OFF HALF HIS COCK?”.

Shorty: HAHAHA what would you do if that really happened?

Me: I would shut the fuck up, sit there and shake my head vigorously.

#217

At Sunway Pyramid for the Nuffnang and ChurpChurp screening of Despicable Me 2. I’m wearing my minion t-shirt with the big eye ball.

Me: I think people are staring at my shirt…. or maybe.. my shirt is staring at them. HEHEHE…

Shorty: Funny huh this Fatty….

Me: Want to see my shirt cock stare people? Watch this. *stops walking then turns eyeball on shirt around to slowly follow the person walking past*. COCK-STARE!!!

Shorty: Don’t be stupid Fatty.

#218

Still walking around Sunway Pyramid…

Me: Hmm I notice got a lot of Middle-Eastern tourists here huh…

Shorty: Of course. We’re at Pyramid right? *Does Egyptian dance* HAHAHA

#219

Looking for the cinema at Sunway Pyramid

Me: Where is the cinema again ah?

Shorty: I dunno.

Me: How can you not know? Hello did you not grow up in Subang?

Shorty: Yah but they moved the cinema. It changed already.

Me: WHERE GOT. It’s always been at the same place.

Shorty: Got… last time it’s near Ajisen Ramen wan.

When we finally find the cinema

Me: There! It STILL IS near Ajisen Ramen what! Ohh…. not very bright huh this girl.

Shorty: No I mean it was on the same floor….

Me: Brightness not your strong point huh?

Shorty: Last time it was down here right next to it wan!

Me: The Brightness is not strong in this one huh?

Shorty: Shuddup lah!

#220

Me: You know I realized something today Shorts. 

Shorty: What?

Me: Well… actually… I’m actually not really fat.

Shorty: Yes you are.

Me: No I’m not. It’s just that… you’re short. So from your height you look at everyone from below their chin level.

Shorty: So?

Me: So…. EVERYBODY LOOKS FAT OR UGLY WHEN YOU LOOK FROM BELOW! Here let me take a picture from below and show you.

 

Me: SEE?!?

Shorty: HAHAHA DAMN FAT DAMN UGLY THIS PICTURE!

#214

Walking up to my bedroom after I just got back from work. I overheard the door to my room quietly unlock so that I can walk in. I walk in and see Shorty hiding behind the door trying to scare me, just like she tries to almost every other day.

Me: I can hear you so sneakily unlock the door from the outside la!

Shorty: HEHEHEHE

Me: So annoying… do this how many times already ?

Shorty: HEHEHEHE

Me: Yala… just like your stupid credit card prank (the credit card prank is when Shorty sees me bending down to pick something up, she will go behind me, slide her hand between my ass cheeks and shout “CREDIT CARD”)

Shorty: HEHHEHEHE

Me: Do so many times, don’t you think I would know not to fall for it anymore?

Shorty: What… you still fall for my credit card what!

Me: I GOT TO BEND DOWN EVERY NOW AND THEN RIGHT?!?!!

#215

Having a Japanese dinner at a restaurant we like to frequent…

Shorty: How come you order soba one today? I thought you always order garlic fried rice.

Me: Ya I know… I decided to mix things up a bit today. Order SOBA instead of Garlic Fried Rice.

Shorty: Ohh…

Me: I decided to be BAD ASS today!

Shorty: …

Me: To take the risk…

Shorty: ….

Me: YOLO!!!!

Shorty: Shuddup la so annoying!

#216

I came back one day after a meeting and saw that Shorty made steamboat for dinner. It was in her wedding vows.

Me: OOH STEAMBOAT!!!

Shorty: HEHEHEH

Me: Reading the instruction manual of how to use it huh?

Shorty: HEHEHE… still.. wedding vow fulfilled.