#326

Shorty and I have this game that we play in the car. We always try to find songs we’ve either forgotten about or haven’t heard in a long time and then see if the other person likes it. If she finds a song that I like she’ll be all smug about it and all… and vice versa.

So this one time…

Me: *plays this song*

Me: HEHEHE… nice leh!! You like this song don’t you?

Shorty: Eh what song is this ah?

Me: A song you like…. right? HEHEHE.

Shorty: Who is it by?

Me: Gym Class Heroes. You like it right?

Shorty: Is it a remake or are they the original singers?

Me: Don’t know. You like it right?

Shorty: I heard it before a long time ago.

Me: HELLO. Was that my question? Did I ask you “When was the last time you heard this song?”…. Was that my question?

Shorty: No…

Me: Then what was my question?

Shorty: You asked me if I like it.

Me: And…?

Shorty: YES LAH… aiyo so annoying!

#325

Me: *walks into room panting* Shorts… you won’t believe what just happened to me.

Shorty: What what?

Me: Ok so I was cycling around this neighborhood and minding my own business when suddenly I heard the sound of some dog barks. To the corner of my eye I saw a pack of dogs spot me and start a chase on me. Now normally when I get chased by stray dogs I just stand my ground and chase them back. Otherwise if they know you’re afraid and you run, they’ll chase you and you’ll never outrun them. But this time I was on a bicycle… and there were 3 of them… so I did whatever I thought I could do. I cycled as fast as I can.

Shorty: Hahah then?

Me: I cycled away at full speed and I was actually outrunning them and then I realized something. Right in front of me was a hill. That was bound to slow me down… but with the dogs right behind me and I just cycled as fast as I could up the hill anyway. I’ve never cycled uphill so fast before. Then to make matters worse… I saw a speed bump ahead. Again with no chance of slowing down I took the speed bump at a high speed and fortunately my bicycle took it well. Eventually the dogs stopped chasing me.

Shorty: HAHAHA.

Me: Now I’m kinda scared to go cycling around there again. In case I get chased by some stray dogs.

A few days later we were driving in a car up that very same hill.

Me: Shorts… this was the hill I was telling you about the other day. The one I had to cycle up being chased by dogs.

Shorty: Hill? What hill?

Me: Ohhh… talk big huh this Short person. You try cycle up here and see.

Shorty: HAHAHA.

——-

On a final note if you’re looking for a movie to watch these few days check out Cuak. It’s a Malaysian movie produced by one of my friends Michael Chen. It’s directed by 5 different directors 5 different scenes.

First and foremost, today is Shorty’s birthday. So let me say… HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHORTY!!! 

#323

Shorty and I are in the car. We come across this narrow road where cars are double parked on both sides turning two lanes into one.

Me: So inconsiderate these double-parkers!! Now it’s all jammed up.

Shorty: Yalah!

Me: I wish the cops will just come and issue summons for them all!

Shorty: I wish lightning will just zap them all.

Me: Wah that’s kinda extreme isn’t it Shorty?

Shorty: Fine then I wish there would just be nails on the sides of these roads. So you want to illegally park there… park there forever!!!

#324

We’re at a mall…

Me: Ahh I just remembered I left my shaver in Penang.

Shorty: So?

Me: Maybe I should go buy another shaver.

Shorty: Ok.

Me: Or maybe I’ll just ask my brother to bring it back for me. Don’t want to waste money buy another shaver. What would I do with two shavers anyway.

Shorty: Fine…

Me: Or should I buy a shaver ah?

Shorty: Make up your mind lah!

Me: Umm…

Shorty: How are you shaving now? Plucking ah?

Me: Har har .. very funny.

#322

Over Chinese New Year celebrations Shorty and I have been a little left out. You see Shorty doesn’t really drink and I… well I drink sometimes but most of the time when I’m just trying to relax I don’t. All around us though we had relatives and friends all drinking around us.

So one night before a family dinner, our brothers were getting all the bottles of wine and whiskey ready for dinner. When Shorty and I….

Me: Yo Shorty…. wanna go get some shandy?

Shorty: Oooh… now?

Me: Yeah we just drive off to a 7-11 and go get some.

Shorty: OOoohh badass.. Okay lets go!

10 minutes later our car is parked outside a 7-11 with Shorty just stepping in with 4 cans of Shandy in her arms.

Shorty: Alright I got it!

Me: We gonna get drunk tonight!

Shorty: HAHA… why we so loser wan.

Me: Whatever… we like Shandy.

Shorty: HAHAHA!! How much do we have to drink to get drunk?

Me: *checks label* Well it says there is less than 1% of alcohol content in this can of Shandy. So I’m guessing… a lot.

Shorty: HAHAHA.

At the dinner, friends and relatives were all pouring glasses of whiskey and wine.

Me: Shorts… wanna get drunk on some Shandy?

Shorty: Oooh.. ok lets do it!

Me: Two shandies… coming right up…. *pours too glasses*

Shorty: *excited*

Me: Yam seng Shorty… yam seng…

#321

So last weekend I went to University Malaya to give a talk to some 650 AIESEC students. While we were on the way there, Shorty and I were talking in the car…

Me: I hope the audience is responsive. Otherwise imagine during the Q&A if people ask if there are any questions …. all we hear are cricket sounds.You’re going to have to pretend to be my fan Shorts.

Shorty: Ok can. I’ll be like “Hi excuse me… I have a question. Uhh my name is Audrey Ooi.. I just want to ask… can you name five things you like about your wife?

Me: Yah…. “if got less than 5 things just name one thing also can.”

Shorty: HEY!

#318

Shorty and I decided to try this restaurant in Mid Valley the other day. It’s called Goku Raku Ramen. Right outside the restaurant…

Me: Oh crap.. it’s by Texchem.

Shorty: So what?

Me: Texchem owns Sushi King… which isn’t very good… so this can’t be good.

Shorty: Well they have branches in Paragon and all… never mind try first.

We walk in to sit down and a waiter comes and serves us. Then he walks away and stands with another two of his colleauges.

Shorty: Psst… Fatty… that waiter’s name is Malcolm.

Me: Which one? The one in the middle?

Shorty: Ohhh… good one.

Then the green tea came.

Me: Wow what a big cup…

Shorty: Well that’s something to be positive about.

Well the food in the end didn’t turn out to be too bad. It wasn’t great or anything but it wasn’t bad either.

#319

We are at Isetan one day eating at the little canteen area they have where you can tarpau food and then eat at the tables. I’m waiting for Shorty to buy her food when she finally appears with a plastic bag.

Shorty: Ahhhh… I feel so environmentally bad. I bought this food box and then they asked me if I needed a plastic bag and I said yes. Then right after me a caucasian dude was asked the same question and he said “no thanks…”. And now I realize that I didn’t really need the plastic bag.

Me: Fighter thanks you for the shit world you’ve leaving behind for him Shorty. HAHA…

Shorty: AHHhhh….

Me: Well I got another plastic bag here for you. Came with the bottle I bought.

Shorty: Ahhh….

After the meal…. Shorty clears the table and throws away all the boxes in the plastic bags given.

Me: Now you see if you were serious about saving the environment you wouldn’t have thrown away those two plastic bags. You would have kept them to use them next time.

Shorty: AHHHH!!!

#320

We are at Isetan lining up to buy some baby stuff for a friend of ours who just had a premature baby. Shorty looks at the guy in front of me in the line…. then steps to the side and looks at him closely and the things he’s buying.

Me: What are you doing looking at him up and down like that? Don’t be rude!! You’re embarrassing me!!!

Shorty: Huh what?

Me: You were like coming so close to him and then looking at everything from his shoes to whatever he was buying. All as if he’s an exhibit. Only aunties do that!

Shorty: Ohh… I didn’t notice… HAHAHA!

#316

We’re eating at Tong Pak Fu right before Shorty has to run off for her Foruchizu thing at Isetan.

Shorty: Ok fats I gotta go in 5 minutes.

Me: What? You’re going to leave me here alone eating Tong Pak Fu?

Shorty: Yah I have no choice. I can’t be late. Unless you can finish in 5 minutes.

Me: Oh yes I can… *gobbles down Tong Pak Fu*

Shorty: Idiot…

Me: My mouth is so cold. There’s like a snow storm going on in my mouth right now.

Shorty: Your body is Hokkaido.

#317

We went to the club for a swim.

Shorty: Ahh today weekend sure a lot of people in the pool wan!

Me: What’s wrong with that? More people more fun what.

Shorty: No.. don’t want them to cramp my style.

Me: Aye yah sure lah Olympic swimmer.

Shorty: Aiyah?

Me: No I meant like Aye yeah… Like Aye.. A-Y-E…

Shorty: HAHAA WTF IS THAT? ARE YOU A PIRATE?

Me: *ignores*

Shorty: If you’re a pirate, am I your parrot?

Me: *still ignoring* Okay meet me back here later ok?

Shorty: Braawkkk…. meet me back here later ok?

Me: Annoying huh…

Shorty: Hey Pirate… where’s your wooden leg? *kicks my leg*

Me: Seriously… this is what I married into?

#315

Me: Okay I’m running out of Things Shorty & Fatty Say. Better give me some shit baby.

Shorty: Ok wait till my stomach cramps come back.

Me: *silence*….

Shorty: There….

Me: What?

Shorty: You know stomach cramps like stomach aches… and you said give me some shit….

Me: That’s terrible. But you know I’m so desperate I might just use this really unfunny joke.

#314

Have you guys ever watched this scene in Rush Hour?

Where Chris Tucker makes a big fuss at Jackie Chan for touching his radio. He said “Don’t touch a black man’s radio”.

So one day we’re in the car and I’m listening to one of my favorite songs of the moment. Timber by Kesha and Pitbull. A song Shorty doesn’t like. So she just changes the song.

Me: WHAT THE HEELLLL???

Shorty: What?

Me: You don’t touch a yellow man’s radio yo!

Shorty: What are you? DiGi?

#312

Me: *pats Shorty’s head*

Shorty: What?

Me: You know what Shorty?

Shorty: What?

Me: I may have many girlfriends and mistresses in my life…. but I will only have one wife.

Shorty: FUCK OFF!!!

#313

Shorty and I curse a lot to each other. But we’ve been conscious to try to cut it down with Fighter being around and eventually learning to speak. Anyway one day…

Me: Shorts… statistics show that most kids by the age of 3 learn some form of bad words.

Shorty: Oh…

Me: Statistics also show that most kids learn bad words not from TV… but from their parents.

Shorty: Oh FUCK!

Me: Nice Shorty… I guess we know where Fighter is going to learn his bad words from.