#11

Shorty and I doing some grocery shopping late tonight.

Me: Ok so what else is on the list?

Shorty: *thinks to herself* Umm… chicken, fish, shampoo, toothpaste… ummm…

Me: Eggs?

Shorty: Yah eggs… then umm…

Me: Laundry detergent?

Shorty: Yah laundry detergent… then uhmm.. spam…

Me: Toilet paper?

Shorty: Oh ya toilet paper.

Me: Wait didn’t we already buy like a truck load of toilet paper the other day?

Shorty: Umm… never mind can keep wan.

Me: Is it on the list?

Shorty: *nervous* Heh… actually… I lost the list.

Me: WHAT? So you’re just making this shit up?

Shorty: HAHAHA

Me: So irritating.

#10

On the flight back from Los Angeles to KL…

Captain’s Announcement: Ladies & Gentlemen, due to turbulent weather hot beverages will not be available for the time being.

Me: You hear that Shorty? No more hot beverages. Only fat and ugly ones left.

Shorty: *tries not to laugh but she lets out a smile* This stupid Fatty ah, make this kind of jokes. Think he’s funny huh?

#8

I was in the car driving with Shorty next to me.

Shorty: *sniffs finger* eww I don’t know why suddenly my finger smells so bad.

Me: Issit…. hmm..

Shorty: *suddenly draws smelly finger right under my nose* You smell and see?

Me: *jerks head violently sideways to avoid the smelly finger* WHAT THE FUCK?!??! I’M DRIVING HERE ! YOU KNOW SMELLY ALREADY WHY YOU ASK ME TO SMELL SOME MORE??

Shorty: HAHAHA! No mah just want you to smell and see if you agree with me.

Me: You already say smelly then I believe you lah! I’m not one of those people who smell fart in the elevator must sniff more to verify to make sure it is really fart or not.

#9

 Right after I ordered a hotdog today at this stand in LA’s Farmer’s Market.

Me: Shorty I go toilet first. Help me get my hot dog when they call my name ok?

Shorty: Ok!

Me: By the way my name is “Dave”.

Shorty: WHAT?! HAHA? DAVE!? WTF?!? WHY?

Me: Cuz every time they ask me for my name and I tell them Tim they go “KIM?” and then write down “K-I-M”. Just because I’m Asian and have a name that sounds like “KIM”, they think I’m going to break out into Gangnam Style. So I thought keep it simple. Dave. No Asian name can be confused with Dave.

Shorty: HAHAH WHAT? I’m gonna tweet this.

Me: Go ahead.

*5 minutes later.

Shorty: Have you ever thought that maybe it’s because you don’t pronounce the T in your Tim hard enough?

Me: I do too. See? TIM. *enunciates the T*

Shorty: Say TIM.

Me: TIM.

Shorty: TIM!

Me: TIM!!! *enunciates extra hard. Saliva subsequently flies towards Shorty*

Shorty: ARRGGHH…. Fatty! SAY IT DON’T SPRAY IT!

So Shorty and me went sight-seeing today in LA.

#6

While walking down the Hollywood Walk of Fame

Shorty: What kind of name is Butt-Ram?

#7

While touring Warner Bros Studios

Me: Eh come take picture of me here.

Shorty: *snaps picture*

Me: You want one also? Same spot?

Shorty: Ok!

Me: *snaps picture and checks*

Me: Ah nice picture of you. Can see the studio behind.

Shorty: *darts back on to tour bus*

Me: *follows on to tour bus then checks picture Shorty took earlier*

Me: WHAT KIND OF PICTURE IS THIS?! I COULD BE ANYWHERE!!

Shorty: Nuuu the background is very bright.

Me: Then how come I can take such a nice picture of you?

Later on in the tour

Me: Come I take picture of you in front of this police car. Pretend that you’re running away from it.

Me: Nice pictures!!!  Alright my turn.

Shorty: *grabs camera and shoots*

Me: Come on… what kind of picture is this? I can’t even see that my legs are running. It looks like I’m clenching my fists to take a shit in front of a police car.

Shorty: Haha I don’t know.

Me: Take again.

Shorty: *snaps*

Me: WOI! This isn’t any better!

Shorty: *snaps*

Me: You know what? I give up… fuk this.

#4

Shorty and I were out in LA today. We were walking outdoors after dinner when…

Shorty: Wah… I’m quite strong ah. Only wearing one layer in this cold and I’m feeling fine.

Me: Please la… it’s like you’re wearing a polar bear on yourself.

#5

The thing about the US is that there’s a really strong tipping culture here. You’re expected to tip at restaurants, at a valet at everything. Most of the time we don’t have a choice so we learn to get used to tipping. At restaurants we normally tip 20%. But at times where we can try to save on the tip, we do. One of those times is when we check-in to a hotel. When a bell-boy offers to help us carry bags we all frantically say “NONONO IT’S OK!! WE’RE FINE THANK U”… even if the two of us are struggling to carry 5 bags.

Today though was different. It was raining while we checked into the hotel so this bell boy came to help us carry the bags in. After we got into the hotel:

Shorty: Shit… now we have to tip.

Me: How much do we tip the bell boy ar?

Shorty: I dunno…

Me: Huh? Then how?

Shorty: I dunno… I dunno anything about tipping wan.

Me: OK QUICK… JUST GOOGLE IT. *Whips out phone to google*

Shorty: QUICK QUICK HE’S COMING BACK!!!

Me: OKOK TRIP ADVISOR SAYS $2 PER BAG!!!

Ok today I had an idea. You see, Shorty and I say all sorts of things to eat other. Sometimes they’re things to annoy each other, to make each other laugh or smile or even just to insult each other sometimes. It’s always the dumbest things that we say sometimes and I wish I could remember them all but I normally forget it by the next day because there are new things to said then. So I decided that what I’ll do is every time we say something silly I’ll remember it and try to put it on my blog by night. I’m gonna call this Things Shorty & Fatty Say.

Here’s #1

Shorty loves this drink that you can find called Honest Ade.

Shorty: HONEST ADE! I LOVE HONEST ADE!

Fatty: Ah hah! You are talking to a man rich enough to buy you ten Honest Ades. How many you want ? Ten? Can also… just not convertible to Chanel bags.

*Next day at a cafe that sold Honest Ade while loading on some 5-6 bottles of Honest Ade on the cashier counter*

Fatty: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Shorty: What? What? I thought you said I could buy 10? *defensive*

#2 

Shorty has her hands full as she carries all her bottles of Honest Ade and her bags out.

Shorty: Fatty, would you like to help me carry my Honest Ade?

Fatty: Not really.

Shorty: -___- It was a rhethorical question.

#3

At a shoe store in Union Square, Shorty tried on this pair of shoes and seemed to love it but was hesitant to buy it because she had already spent so much money this trip.

Shorty: Ok la I won’t buy it la.

Fatty: Oh it’s got that spikes thing you like. Is it comfortable?

Shorty: Yes

Fatty: Is it high-heel?

Shorty: Yes

Fatty: Ok la go ahead and buy it. I can afford another pair of shoes for my Shorty.

——–

So what do you think of this idea?