On the way to see a skin specialist for this skin problem I’m having.
Me: Lilian and Mimi say my skin thing is called… can’t remember what it’s called. Pho-something…
Shorty: Fellatio.
Me: Ohhh funny huh this girl. No it’s Pho….
Shorty: Photosynthesis ? HAHA You’re turning into a plant.
Me: Ohh… still being funny huh this Shorty.
Shorty: Gives a whole new meaning to “Morning Wood”. HAHAHAHA!!!
Me: Oh still going on with these jokes huh?
Shorty: Or… Wood Pecker!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Me: On a roll huh this Short one.
Shorty: HAHAHA You know what pecker means right?
Me: Yes… it means dick. But nobody uses the word pecker Shorty. Where have you ever heard anyone say “Alright time to whip out that pecker..” or “Ohhh what a nice big pecker”.
Ok there’s been a lack of updates for the Things Fatty & Shorty Say. Why? Well because for the past few days I’ve been in Phuket for our Nuffie company trip.
So I’ve had limited internet connection AND the bigger reason is… I’ve been away from Shorty in the past few days. When I’m away, Shorty and I aren’t the kind of couple that needs to talk every night before I sleep or anything. Once a while we just send some messages here and there to each other. So when we don’t talk… there aren’t any “Things Shorty & Fatty Say”.
However I came back yesterday so here are some again.
#26
While walking around Pavilion
Shorty: Today I met the rudest Malaysians ever. I got into an elevator and then there were some people coming so I held the door open for them. The elevator turned out to be spoilt so they got out, and then went into the next elevator. I held the door open for them and let them out then when they went into the other elevator they didn’t bother waiting for me and Ringo. In spite of me calling out to them “Wait wait!”. I hate rude Malaysians!
Me: Maybe we’re rude because we don’t dare call people out on the rude things they do in public. We just take it. Imagine if you did something rude in America, someone’s gonna tell you off.
Shorty: Ya that’s what I’m going to do now. CHOW HAIZ!!!
Me: Wah this Shorty damn vulgar huh? Small little girl but full of big words huh!
Shorty: *thumps her chest* Don’t mess with this Shorty.
Me: You’re going to pick a fight some day Shorty.
Shorty: It’s okay I have you.
Me: I’m too fat to fight. Fat doesn’t fight. Fat floats.
Shorty: You can float like a butterfly but sting like a bee…. HAHA geddit geddit?
Me: Yah yah Muhammad Ali.
Some minutes later while trying to go up and escalator, a couple of guys stood in the middle of the foot of the escalator holding everyone up. They were talking to a friend behind and then later on decided to not go up the escalator. So they backed off but without saying sorry.
Shorty: OI!!! *throws hand in the air in a scolding motion*.
Me: Wah this girl like China aunty now ah? Scold people.
Shorty: Look who’s talking? Just now walk into spectacle shop want to buy sunglasses talk like gangster like that. Speak so loud say “HOW MUCH THIS ONE? WHY SO EXPENSIVE? HUH? HUH?”.
Me: I’m still in Phuket mode. In Phuket go anywhere had to bargain wan. Buy a cap they say “1000 BAHT”. Must speak loud and say “WHY SO EXPENSIVE! 200 BAHT!”
Shorty: Still.. you’re back in Malaysia now.
Me: Okay okay…
Shorty: Watch me… anyone do anything rude now I’m going to scold them in public.
Me: Ok la ok la… enough… come take picture. First picture after getting my Shorty back.
Shorty: What do you mean “Getting my Shorty back”. You left ! Not me.
Me: Company trip mah!
Shorty: Still… you left!
Me: Ok ok… I left.
PS: Shorty was in KLCC to check on her Foruchizu section in Isetan by the way. They’ve got a fashion show this Saturday at 3PM and 20% off all the Foruchizu stuff so do pop by.
While we were in Los Angeles, Shorty walked into a Marc Jacobs store to buy a case for her new Microsoft Surface. She picked out this cover and she ended up seeing more and more things that she liked to the extent that she was torn about which to buy.
Shorty: Fatty I don’t know which one to buy!
Me: What do you have?
Shorty: Ok I have the cover for my Surface.
Shorty: And then I have this cute clutch that I can put in my phone and money when I go clubbing or something.
Shorty: And I have this wallet. It’s so nice! And I need a new wallet… my old wallet all torn already.
Shorty: And then there is this cute furry bag! But I know I said that if I buy a wallet I won’t buy a designer bag for the next one year already. Haih.. maybe I’ll do without the bag since it’s not necessary.
Me: Well do you like them all?
Shorty: Yes…
Me: Ok just buy them all.
Shorty: What?
Me: It’s ok. Buy them all. I buy all for you since you like them all.
Shorty: But that’s too much and you say we should save money!
Me: Yeah but it’s not that often that you come into a designer store and want all sorts of things. In fact it’s not even that often that you crave anything from a designer label. Half the time you carry the cloth bags that Emoda gives you for free when you buy stuff from them. So ok la… if all of this makes my wife happy, let loose and forget about choosing. In life we always have to end up make choices. So for once and for today… just buy them all.
Shorty: But…
Me: Shorty… I’m having my Richard Gere moment now.
Shorty: Your what?
Me: You know the scene in Pretty Woman where Richard Gere walked Julia Roberts into a store and bought her everything.
Me: Except that I don’t have as much money as he does so I do small scale ok? Next time when I make more money then only do his style ok?
Shorty: Ok *teary*. Baby go to the men’s section and see if you like anything .
Me: No need la. Already I said I’m not going to buy any designer stuff for myself this year unless it’s on huge discount.
*Later after being dragged to the men’s section of Marc Jacobs*
Shorty: How about this belt? I buy you this belt. Since your belt broke.
Me: Don’t need la. Don’t need to spend money for the sake of spending money. I just want to buy a belt from Zara or something.
Shorty: Nvm nvm I buy you. Quite unique what this belt.
Me: This Shorty ah… feeling guilty that she spend so much money this trip ah so trying to get me to spend ah?
Shorty: Yes *guilty*
Me: No need la. Save money. Money is hard to earn.
Shorty: Okayy…
We walked out of the store carrying loads of Marc Jacob bags. That particular moment, she did look like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
PS:
Eventually I did buy something for myself at a Nike store. When we walked out of Nike Shorty did a *successkid.jpg* thing and said “YES!!!”
The pics of the stuff she bought btw were not taken at the store. Were taken back at our room.
So I’m going to Sapporo in Japan for this conference next year. Initially I was thinking of bringing Shorty since Shorty loves Japan. But lots of people have been telling us stories about how radiation caused them a miscarriage, made them sick etc etc. But still I made peace with it because Shorty has already been to Tokyo once, and also that these stories we hear is always from a “friend’s friend”. Never from any people we know directly.
When it comes to people we know who went, Xiaxue went to Tokyo when she was pregnant and everything on her end is still fine. Shorty on the other hand doesn’t care. She loves Japan enough to go even if Godzilla was tearing Tokyo apart. So one morning…
Me: Shorty, Joanne said her cousin’s friend’s friend went to Japan when she was 5 months pregnant then came back and miscarried.
Shorty: You see? It’s always a friend’s friend one.
Me: Ya but I don’t think we should take the chance ah. I think I’ll just go without you ok?
Shorty: HEY HEY HEY! Don’t joke about these matters!
Me: Haha who say I’m joking?
Shorty: I know you are!
Then I left for work.
At work I asked my PA Rina who helps me book my flights and all to send me the following prank email and CC Shorty. This is what it said.
This is what Shorty replied.
I didn’t reply that email yet. Waited to see if Shorty would message me and true enough she did.
20 minutes later she called me up sounding all sad and depressed.
Me: Hello?
Shorty: Really wan or not? *depressed*
Me: I come home talk to you about it ok?
Shorty: Nuu you tell me first. Really want or not?
Today is the launch of Foruchizu, a label that Shorty and Ringo have been working on together for months. Their clothes are available at Isetan KLCC starting today and I decided to follow Shorty there for moral support.
Me: WAH!!! So near the escalator? PRIME POSITION MAN!!! That’s it… I’m sorted Shorty. From now on you will support me.
Shorty: HAHA please la too early to tell.
Me: Wait I go around take some pictures. *walks around*
———-
Me: Shorty, I feel powerful. It’s like I can break anything I want here and if someone tries to make me pay for it I’d just say “Scuze me but in case you didn’t know, I’m banging the Foru in Foruchizu ok?”.
Shorty and I have very different sleep habits. She likes staying up late at night and waking up really late in the morning. I like sleeping early and waking up early.
11PM
Fatty: *jumps under sheets* OK imma go sleep now. Up so early this morning. Now I’m damn sleepy. Come sleep Shorty!
Shorty: Dowan I still got so many things to do.
Fatty: Do tomorrow la, come sleep first.
Shorty: Sleep is for the weak!
Fatty: Oh is that so? Imma say that to you tomorrow morning.
Shorty: HAHA!
*Next morning*
Me: GOOD MORNING SHORTY! RISE AND SHINE!!!!
*Plays the following music loudly next to our bed*
Shorty: *tosses and turns under sheets and grumbles*
Fatty: C’MON SHORTY! WAKE UP! *repeats annoying music again*
Shorty: *grumbles*
Fatty: Annoying right? Just when you think the music is going to stop, it goes on again.
Shorty: *ignores*
Me: Still don’t want to wake up ar? This Shorty ah, so small can sleep so much. Whatever happened to “Sleep is for the weak”.
#20
Shorty and me have this thing when either one of us come home, the other will pretend to be fast asleep.E.g.
Shorty *walks into the bedroom*
Me: *eyes closed pretending to sleep*
Shorty: *comes closer to observe*….
Shorty: *notices movement* THIS FATTY AH!!! PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP AH!! *ruffles hair and hugs and squeeze my big head*
Me: HAHA ok la ok la!
Last night though I decided to go to bed really early because I had to be up early next morning for a con call. When Shorty came home:
Shorty: THIS FATTY AH!! PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP AGAIN AHH!!! *ruffles hair and hugs and squeezes my big head*.
Me: *grumble*
Shorty: Still want to pretend ah this fatty!
Me: *ignores*
Shorty: *more ruffling continues but I was dead as a corpse*
Today
Me: THIS SHORTY AH! Come back late at night then wake me up say I pretending to be sleeping!! I wanted to say “Bitch I’m fukin sleepin here!”
Shorty: HAHAHA!
Me: When did you realize I really wasn’t pretending to sleep.
So we were in Pavilion couple of days ago and Shorty was driving. I was sitting shotgun, just chilling when Shorty decided to try reverse park into a lot while other cars waited on. She went back and forth back and forth.
Me: Aunty… reverse la Aunty what you waiting for… no people behind you already… AIYOOO WHY U GO AHEAD AGAIN…
Shorty: *plays with her phone while humming Beatles songs*
Me: *farts* 🙂
Shorty: *continues to hum*
Me: *laughs quietly*
Shorty: OH MAI GAWD!!!!! YOU FART AH?!
Me: HAHAAHAHAHAH
Shorty: *winds down window and waves fart out of the car with hands*
Me: What are you doing?!?! All the exhaust smoke from outside coming in!
Shorty: I don’t care! *sticks head out and gasps for air*
*Family of 4 in the next car looks on in distraught*
Me: Baby you’re embarrassing me!
Shorty: You should’ve thought of that when you farted!
—————-
Another day in the car.
Me: *farts*
Shorty: ….. FUCK LA FATTY!!!!!
Me: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Shorty: STOP FARTING LA! GO SHIT LAR YOU!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t help it Shorty… did you know that the average human body farts 12-18 times a day?
Shorty: Did you know that when you smell fart you actually smell it because actual shit particles go into your nose?
Me: Well my Dad told me if I was going to do something, do it well or don’t do it at all.
——————————-
One day in a crowded elevator
Shorty: *slaps me on my arm* FUK LA BABY YOU FART AGAIN AH?
Me: NO IT WASN’T ME!
Shorty: DON’T BLUFF LA!
*Everyone in the elevator shoots me a dirty disgusted look and covers their nose. Except for the real perpetrator that was silently standing the corner smiling away. Asshole!*
Tim: Something tells me I’m not going to want to see this.
Shorty: *pulls out phone and shows me this*
Shorty: HAHAHA!!!
#13
At a mall.
Shorty: I think I’m going to swim this afternoon!
Me: HAH!
Shorty: What?
Me: Forgive me if I don’t believe you. Lets face it Shorty, you’re lucky you have a high metabolism rate because if not you’ll be one big fatty.
Shorty: HAHA… why?
Me: Well think about it. You eat carbs like Cookie Monster eats cookies and you have the worst discipline ever when it comes to exercise. Remember last time we had a bet that I would last one week without exercise and ice-cream? I lasted 10 days. In return you promised that you would exercise 3 times a week and you didn’t even go once. Well you did run around the room for 30 seconds but that doesn’t count. I don’t know anyone who does less exercise than you.
Shorty: Fine… later I promise you I go swimming.
In the late evening…
Shorty: Fatty where is my papan apung?
Me: Your what?
Shorty: The float I bought that day.
Me: I don’t know.
Shorty: Found it!
Later at the swimming pool…. Shorty in her swim wear, kicking around the water while clinging on to a float.
Me: Eh what is this? You call this swimming? This is more like floating and kicking around.
Shorty: What it’s exercise ok? I’m tired already.
Me: You’ve been floating for like 10 minutes!
Shorty: No I’m swimming and I’m tired! Ok I’m going to just swim to the other end then I’m going to call it a day.
Me: You mean float to the other end.
Shorty: It’s swimming ok!!!
Walking back from the pool.
Me: So Hasan said he might come over again end of this ye….
Shorty: Fatty don’t talk to me now… I’m damn tired.
Me: Ok fine.
Shorty: How come suddenly he want to come?
Me: I don’t know. He just suddenly messaged me today and said that his wife misses the Nasi Lemak here so th..
Shorty: Fatty I said don’t talk to me now. I’m too tired.
Me: EH YOU THE ONE WHO TALK TO ME FIRST! So annoying!
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space