#92

While walking around Fahrenheit. 

Shorty: Fatty I think your shirt makes you look fat.

Me: WHAT? Did I ask?

Shorty: Hahahahaha

Me: Then why are you telling me that? It’s like you not asking me whether this dress makes you look fat and I just say it does.

Shorty: Haha ok la ok la sensitive.

#93

Me: Shorty, I think I’m running out of Things Shorty & Fatty Say.

Shorty: What? Got so many funny things we say every day what.

Me: Yah but I’m having trouble remembering them to write about them at the end of the day. Maybe I should just really end at #100.

Shorty: What number are you now?

Me: #91 or something. So just need a few more. Any ideas?

Shorty: Why don’t you just Google for some jokes?

Me: Yah like that lousy stand up comedian we saw in Vegas.

#94

Shorty and me are going to Japan next week and so we were buying some winter clothes. I was looking for a beanie to wear on my head but couldn’t find one. So in the car park after our day of shopping…

Shorty: Look Fatty… you can take his beanie.

Me: Alright Shorty… you distract him and I’ll grab it ok?

Shorty: HAHA ok.

Me: I mean… I would’ve gladly distracted him instead and let you grab it but I don’t think you would’ve been able to reach.

Shorty: HEY!

#95

Shorty and I recently went to the LV store in KLCC. I was looking to buy my mum a present there but as usual the sales girl there paid very little attention to us because we probably look like we have no money to buy anything LV. So today in the car…

Shorty: Fatty if you wear a Rolex and walk into the LV store do you think that sales girl would still snub us?

Me: Ya if she doesn’t notice it.

Shorty: Can lah… you wear it and then I’ll ask you what’s the time. HAHA !! Good plan right?

Me: YAH YAH! Then I’ll purposely stand right in front of her with my watch facing her and say “Hmm… my eye sight not so good. Excuse me Miss, can you look at my watch and tell me what time it is?”

Shorty: HAHAHAAH!!! SO ANNOYING!!!

Me: Yah she’ll totally see it then.

Shorty: Yah if still not yet I could look at your watch for you and say out loud “Hmmm I can’t see properly the time lah. The ROLEX logo is blocking the needles”.

Me: HAHAHA Good one good one!

#89

Me: *ruffles Shorty’s hairy* I’m glad I ended up with this Shorty. Even though I never imagined that the girl I ended up with would be so short.

Shorty: So hot?

Me: What?

Shorty: You said so hot right? Hehe it’s ok Fatty… I know I’m hot.

#90

Me: Have you seen our new Nuffnang mug and umbrella?

 

Shorty: Where where?

Me: Well if you followed me on Instagram you would’ve.

Shorty: *searches on her computer* Aiyo aiyo this Fatty…. sensitive ah… I just didn’t see it!

#91

Me: Shorty… wanna see a big black cock?

Shorty: Where?

Me: TADAAA

Shorty: HAHAHA Stupid Fatty…. you know what you should do. You should tweet pic this with the caption “Here’s a picture of my big black cock”. HAHAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA OKOKOK I DO IT I DO IT

Shorty: Yah big black cock with a red head. Then you can add “Be envious”. HAHHAHAA

Me: HAHAHAH OKOK !!! I TWEET NOW: *Tweets: Here’s a picture of my big black cock. Be envious”*.

10 minutes passed

Me: Shorty… nobody seemed to reply my tweet. I’m getting worried that everyone thought I’m serious.

Shorty: YA HAHAHAHA maybe they didn’t get the joke and think that you really tweeted a picture of your big black cock.

Me: Can’t be lah… why would even think I have a black cock? As in that kind of… well you know.

Shorty: HAHAHAAH well.. either ways it can’t be good.

#87

At home

Me: Shorty where’s the laundry basket gone?

Shorty: Took it down to wash.

Me: ARGHH!! I need to wash my towel. IT DOESN’T SEEM TO GET DRY!!!

Shorty: Well that’s because you keep taking showers.

 #88

Returning from a restroom at a mall some weeks ago

Me: FUK LAH!!!!

Shorty: What what?

Me: STUPID TAP WAS LIKE A FIRE HYDRANT!!! SPRAY WATER ON MY PANTS!!! NOT I LOOK LIKE I WET MYSELF!!!

Shorty: HAHAHAHAHA

At dinner tonight. I had just returned from the restroom

Me: FARK LAH!

Shorty: What what? Wet your pants ah?

Me: NO LAH!

Shorty: Then what?

Me: Stupid toilet!

Shorty: Whatt?

Me: The toilet here is one of those squatting ones with the hole in the floor. So after I did my business I flushed. When I flushed it was like fukin Niagara Falls in there. The flush was so strong water was rushing to me and went all to my legs!

Shorty: EWWWWWWwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!

Me: YALAH FARK!!!

My Sister: Did you get any on your face?

Me: OF COURSE NOT LAH! If I did that would be shit! (pun wasn’t intended)

Shorty: HAHAHAHA!!!

Me: This Shorty laughing at me huh…

Shorty: HAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!

Me: Still laughing huh *pats Shorty’s head*

Shorty: *backs off* HEY HEY HEY !!! Your hands clean or not? Did it kena toilet water or not?

Me: Maybe…

Shorty: EWW DUN TOUCH ME DUN TOUCH ME

Me: I’M TOUCHING YOU….

#85

At dinner with a friend Janice.

Janice: You remember the accident that happened in Penang that cost the life of this pretty girl? Some girl posted on Facebook something along the lines of “Doesn’t mean you’re pretty means you’ll get a good life. God is fair”. Then a lot of people commented and scold her.

Me: AIYO SO BAD!

Shorty: YALAH What rubbish is that girl talking! If like that since I’m so cute I should’ve died long ago.

Me: … Don’t simply say ah! Careful what you say!

#86

Sitting at my computer tonight

Shorty: FATTY! Have you seen my “kempen sopan santun” post?

Me: No I haven’t. Been away on business mah. Limited internet connection. I see later.

Shorty: See now la see now.

Me: Later la.. doing something now.

Shorty: Fine

30 seconds later

Shorty: Ready to see my post?

Me: AHHhh ok la ok la! *opens up Shorty’s blog*

Shorty: *points at number of comments*

Me: WAH!!! 109 comments huh! On NuffnangX some more, your phone must be beeping off the hook.

Shorty: Hehe no la today slow down already.

Me: Did you see my tweet the other day about how I kempen sopan santun also?

Shorty: No I couldn’t read your tweet, a part of it was missing. What happened?

Me: Basically I at LCCT lining up to get on to my plane. And you know how LCCT is la, on the outside area it’s a big mess of people lining up. So I joined the line with the Nuffies behind me. When I got close to the front of the line, 2 guys and 2 girls about our age came right in front of me, pretend to stand in front of me at first like blur blur don’t know anything then eventually just come cut in right in front of me.

Shorty: Really? How how? Show me like how? Ok I stand here pretending to be you. You be them. Show me.

Me: *demonstrates to Shorty how they cut my line*

Shorty: WAH SO IRRITATING! I feel like punching them now. In fact you demonstrate for me now also I feel like punching you.

Me: HAHA

Shorty: Then what you do?

Me: I said “Excuse me, the line is behind… please line up”. But they ignored me, turned their backs towards me and started talking among themselves. Then I stepped forward and spoke louder “EXCUSE ME… THE LINE IS HERE, PLEASE LINE UP FROM BEHIND”. Then the Nuffies behind me also started telling them off. So they all pai seh and just walked back.

Shorty: Ya sometimes you must get the support of the people behind you and make sure they know that they’re being cut too.

Me: Ya!

So people, don’t put up with rude Malaysians. If anyone tries to cut your line or treats anyone else rudely, call them out. That’s the only I believe we can stop them. Otherwise if this goes on, eventually we’ll all start acting like them in order to survive situations like this.

You can read Shorty’s post here.

#81

Comes home after work

Me: *smells toast bread* Ohh…. a Shorty was hungry just a while ago huh.

Shorty: Heh heh how you know?

Me: The whole apartment smells like toast bread that’s why how I know!

Shorty: HEHEHE

Me: Ok so what do you want to have for dinner?

Shorty: Anything… I’m not hungry.

#82

Wanted to change my pants so took off my jeans and walked to my closet. Walked past Shorty while I was at it.

Shorty: Why are you not wearing any pants Donald Duck?

#83

Something that just occurred to me (posted on Instagram)

#84

Watching The Voice in the living room.

Shorty: Wow I never knew Adam Levine is so hot!

Me: WUT?

Shorty: Oh sorry…. hot but my Fatty also hot!

Me: Hmf

Shorty: *Rubs my stomach to the tune of the song below starting at 0:51*

#81

Shorty and I went to a friend’s house party last Saturday night. At the end of the party, our friend who was hosting it gave us this.

It was a jar with some little fish (guppies) in them.

Me: Nah Shorty, you said you always wanted a pet. You take care of it.

Shorty: What? I want a pet as in a dog. Not fish.

Me: Never mind this is good practice for you to see whether you can take care of a pet or not.

Shorty: Fine….

After dinner the next day

Me: *Looks at jar* Hey how come I can’t find the fish…. hmmm…. HOLY CRAP… MAN DOWN MAN DOWN.

Shorty: What what?

Me: THE FISH ARE DEAD!! AT LEAST ONE OF THEM !

Shorty: WHAT?!?! *runs over*

Me: SHIT SHIT SHIT what do we do? Let me ask my friends what they did with theirs  *messages friends in WhatsApp group who also got fish from the party*

Shorty: OH NO!! Maybe they’re hungry. What can I feed them?

Me: How about bread?

Shorty: OK!!! *drops small pieces of bread into it*

Me: *while looking at WhatsApp messages* MY FRIEND SAY IT’S NOT FOOD. They say it’s because they no air that’s why they’re floating near the top. We need a small pump.

Shorty: Where are we supposed to get that?!

Me: Ya I know I told them shops are closed already!

Shorty: Can we just blow air into the water with a straw?

Me: They said cannot. My friend Rob said take it out of the jar and put it in a bigger bowl.

Shorty: OK!!!  *takes out chopstick*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! YOU’RE GOING TO PICK UP THE FISH WITH A CHOPSTICK??

Shorty: Ok ok I use spoon*uses spoon to take them out of the jar and into a pail of water*. Ok they look better now!

Me: Ok Rob say we can put it in a pond somewhere. We can go to his house and put in his pond.

Shorty: OKOK!

Me: But he say he’s going to bed already! Crap let me call Pierre.

Me: *calls Pierre* Hello?

Pierre: Hello brother! Why so kan cheong about the fish?

Me: Dude one of them died already. I have another 4 left. I can’t let them die.

Pierre: Dude… it’s like Ikan Bilis.

Me: I know but I can’t let anything die on my watch. No matter how small.What did you do to yours?

Pierre: I don’t know. I gave my maid and asked her to take care of it. Let me check if they’re still alive. Call you back.

5 minutes later

Pierre: Hello? Ya they’re all still in the jar but all ok.

Me: Ok can I just come over and drop it in your jar.

Pierre: HAHA ok sure.

Me: SHORTY! We go Pierre’s house and drop the fish off with him!

Shorty: HAR? Why not Rob? I think they will die in Pierre’s hands.

Me: Heard that Pierre?

Pierre: *still on the phone* Yes I heard that. I’m not going to let her into my house when she comes.

Me: Pierre said he won’t let you into his house when you come.

Shorty: HAHA! Kidding kidding.

Me: OK Pierre I come now. See you! *hangs up*

In the car on the way to Pierre’s house

Me: This Shorty huh… really cannot take care of pets huh. Want a dog some more. Some more these are guppies… the most hardy. Not even asking you to take care of goldfish or koi.

Shorty; HEY HEY I wasn’t ready mah. I didn’t have the equipment and wasn’t prepared to suddenly take care of the fish.

Me: Well you had today to do it but you didn’t.

Shorty: Don’t make me feel worse than I already do.

Me: Well ok fine. If it makes you feel better, Pierre said it’s ok la… it’s like Ikan Billis what.

Shorty: Haha you know when I was looking for things to feed them I opened our fridge and thought of feeding them some Ikan Billis.

Me: That would be cannibalism for them Shorty.

At Pierre’s House

Me: What did you do to your fish? How come they’re not dying.

Pierre: Ya man my fish look so happy. See! The only thing my maid did was put some steamed rice into it.

Me: That’s all?

Pierre: Ya man… give them the good basmati rice treatment. See now I put your fish with mine in my jar they look so happy!

On the way home from Pierre’s house

Shorty: Whew… I’m so tired. Saving a life is tiring.

Me: Well technically we didn’t really save a life. I mean we put our fish in a life threatening situation then took them out of it. We didn’t really save them. We were the cause of them nearly dying, or one of them actually dying.

We lost one small fish but the rest of the fish are resting safely in Pierre’s house with his fish now.

Pierre just sent me the following messages.

#78

 Walking in Pavilion while eating ice-cream

Shorty: Want some ice-cream?

Me: No thanks.

Shorty: Why not it’s nice. Hazelnut !

Me: I just had mine la.

Shorty: Try very nice.

Me: Ok fine…. *takes a bite*… ok here take it back.

Shorty: I dowan already. If I eat more I’m going to throw up.

Me: Then what am I supposed to do with this?

Shorty: Eat it!

Me: Nah remember this ah! It’s you who makes me fat!

#79

Walking towards my car in the car park

Me: Ahh look at my car. I can’t get bored of it. It’s so beautiful. Check out that nice tight ass.

Shorty: Ohhh… always say such things about your car but not your wife huh?

Me: Heh heh.

Shorty: Why don’t you just fuck your car?

Me: And how would I do that? *gets into the car*

Shorty: Well technically… you’re inside her already.

#80

In the morning

Me: Why are you wearing an American flag?

Shorty: HAHA! *sings American Anthem* OHH SAAAY CANN YOU SEEE!!!!

Me: Ok you know what I’m just going to go to work and forget this. Come we leave together.

While walking to our cars

Me: Ok bye Shorty.

Shorty: BYE FATS! *sings American Anthem* OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEE BY THE DAWN’S EARLY LIGHT!!!

After work on the way to dinner

Me: Still wearing the flag huh?

Shorty: *sings* OHH SAY CAN YOU SEEE…

Me: *sings* And I’m proud to be an American… where at least I know I’m free!…… GOD BLESS THE USAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Shorty: Ok la enough enough.

Me: Ok time for the Malaysian version of that song.

Shorty: *sings* Demi tekad untuk berjaya

Me: NONO  that’s not what I have in mind. It’s *sings* “STANDING IN THE EYESSS OF THE WORLD!!!”.

Shorty: Nuuuu that’s not a Malaysian patriotism song!

Me: It is sort of mah.. Commonwealth Games.

Shorty: Fine whatever… turn on my radio again.

#75

Shorty is in the bathroom brushing her teeth. I somehow have this special ability of understanding whatever she mumbles to me while brushing her teeth. 

Me: Shorty!

Shorty: Hmf? (Translation: What?)

Me: I got some bad news.

Shorty: Hmf? (What?)

Me: I think I clogged the toilet.

Shorty: Hmw?? (How?)

Me: Well you know how we got no water so I had only one flush right. So well… I tried to make the most of the flush and well all the toilet paper got stuck.

Shorty: Hummm hmm (Oh well)

Me: Could you help me unclog it later?

Shorty: HMF?!?!  HMMM HFFF HMM HFFF HMMMM!!!! (WHAT?!?! YOU DO YOURSELF LA!)

Me: Dowan la.. you do for me laa….

Shorty: HMMKK HFFFF !! (FUCK OFF!)

Me: Dowan la… it’s damn disgusting !

Shorty: *takes toothbrush out of mouth* No Shit Sherlock.

#76

Takes laundry out of the basket

Me: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POLO-T’S!!!

Shorty: What what?

Me: HOW DID MY POLO-T’S TURN INTO DRESSES!?!?

Shorty: What are you talking about?

Me: THEY LOOK SO LONG NOW!!!

Shorty: Looks normal to me what. Try it on and see.

Me: *tries on*

Shorty: Yala looks normal what.

Me: Oh… didn’t realize my body is so long.

#77

In the car.

Shorty: *chews on her own hair*

Me: OI! Stop eating your hair!

Shorty: Ptui!

 #72

A conversation with Shorty.

#73

Shorty has been having a lot of trouble with mosquitoes in the room. We have no idea where the mosquitoes are coming from but we’re guessing it’s from our bathroom. We look around for any open water but there’s nothing. So Shorty decided to go out and buy some special oil that keeps mosquitoes away.

After we reached home.

Me: So you’re happy now eh? You can go … Yoooo hoooo oh mosquitoes… I’ve got a little something for you.

Shorty: HAHA!! Good idea. OKOK! *brings mosquito repellent into the room*

Shorty: Yooohooo mosquitoes…. I’ve got something special for you. It’s some nice juicy blood… come out come out….

#74

Me: Shorty I know what watch I want to buy you already.

Shorty: What what?

Me: I don’t want to tell you yet. But it’s really expensive so I have to wait until I earn more money.

Shorty: What does it look like?

Me: I can’t tell you.

Shorty: Ok what brand is it ?

Me: I can’t tell you.

Shorty: Ok why don’t you just show me a picture of the watch but don’t tell me the brand.

Me: If I show you a picture of the watch then obviously you will know already right?

Shorty: Ok I can guess what brand already.

Me: What?

Shorty: It’s a Rolex.

Me: Ah fine!

Shorty: Is it the same as Bobo’s one?

Me: I don’t know what Bobo’s one looks like.

Shorty: Small face one.

Me: Maybe… it doesn’t matter you sure like it wan.

Shorty: But I like big face wan! Look! I like you * carasses my face with her hands*

#68

Shorty and I are big fans of Les Miserables now. Listening to the soundtrack every day. Here’s one of our favourite songs that will be relevant to this post.

Walking in Bangkok airport to our flight back to KL

Me: *sings* Do you hear the people sing, singing the song of Short people!

Shorty: HEY!

Me: HAHA!

Shorty: What’s a song of Short people?

Me: Hmmm…

Shorty: OH I KNOW … *sings* It’s a small world after all… It’s a small world after all *sings*.

Me: HAHA this stupid Shorty.

#69

On the plane back.

Shorty: Tsk… hungry la.

Me: Order cup noodles la.

Shorty: Good idea!

*5 minutes later.

Shorty: You want some?

Me: YUM! Bends over to slurp noodles.

After I chew finish.

Me: Don’t pretend that I didn’t realize what you were doing.

Shorty: What what?

Me: You la controlling the fork! At first you helping scoop noodles into my mouth. Then when I began to slurp more and more you started pushing down the noodles instead of pushing it up into my mouth. SO GREEDY THIS GIRL DOWAN SHARE FOOD!

Shorty: HAHA!

#70

Crawling into bed about to fall asleep one night

Shorty: *jumps into bed*  WOW YOU FARTED AH!

Me: Eh is it? I don’t think it’s me ah. I don’t remember farting.

Shorty: There’s only you and me in this room. If not me then must be you la.

Me: Oh sorry I didn’t know… I don’t remember farting.

Shorty: Fine. So I was saying right, this friend of mine…. *pauses* WOW FART AGAIN AH!

Me: Ya that was totally me. I felt that one alright.

Shorty: Wow good job *sarcastic*

#71

Shorty has been wearing glasses all week long because she has to rest her eyes before she goes for her LASIK next week. Today though she completely let herself go. She wore glasses, absolutely no make-up and some t-shirt that’s so faded it looks like it was bought in a night market ten years ago.

In Publika during the day.

Me: Eh Shorty you wear like that, what if one of your readers sees you.

Shorty: I’m just going to deny it. It’ll be like… “Excuse me are you Fourfeetnine?” “NO!”. “And that fat one next to me is Mimothy”.

Me: Why don’t you just call me Dimothy. Or Dim for short.

Shorty: HAHAHAH!!!

Later in the day in Pavilion. 

Me: Wah this Shorty very brave huh. Come to Pavilion with me wearing like this.

Shorty: Haha what what?

Me: You really let yourself go today huh Shorty.

Shorty: HAHA!

Me: What if someone recognizes you and goes… “WAH FOURFEETNINE IN REAL LIFE DAMN UGLY LOR”

Shorty: Won’t happen wan lah… nobody will be able to recognize me in these glasses.

Me: Okay if you say so.

An hour later we were walking to the car park elevator to get into our car and leave Pavilion.

Stranger: HI AUDREY !!! HI TIMOTHY!!! (I assume she reads one of our blogs)

Me: Oh Hi!

Shorty: Oh hi….  *mumbles* dammit!

Stranger: I thought I recognized you guys. I saw Audrey from behind and recognize her hair colour then I saw you.

Shorty: *mumbles* why?? why??? *looks away*

Me: Haha Shorty was hoping nobody would recognize her today because she didn’t wear anything today.

Stranger: Aww too bad!

Me: Well ok we’re getting into the lift now. See ya!!

Stranger: BYE!!! Nice to meet you guys!

Elevator door closes with Shorty and me inside it.

Shorty: *bangs head on wall* So close…. so close!

Me: HAHA!!!