#116

Shorty is driving.

Shorty: Do I turn left or right?

Me: Right

Shorty: *turns left*

Me: WTF?!?! What did I say?!

Shorty: Oh sorry sorry… can’t tell left from right sometimes.

#117

Nuffnang had our 6th Birthday Bash on Saturday. Was an awesome event with a bunch of fun Nuffnangers, who all helped our event once again trend on Twitter. 

Anyway, at the event…

Friend: Hey Tim you lost weight ah?

Me: Why thank you! Hear that Shorty? From now on you should call me Thinny.

Shorty: What? No… still fat. Always will be my Fatty!

#118

Just after an acupunture treatment with our Chinese Doctor Gin.

Doctor: To exercise your muscle, get a stress ball and keep squeezing it to exercise your muscles.

Me: Oh ok.

*After Doctor leaves*

Me: Do you have a stress ball Shorty?

Shorty: No.

Me: *smiles at Shorty* HAHA

Shorty: What? Squeeze your own boobs. They’re big enough anyway!

Me: WHAT!

#113

Me: I’m actually pretty depressed about my sprained wrist Shorty. Can’t play golf for 6 weeks. Boo…

Shorty: You already know that you had a sprained wrist then you go play again. Then after that it got worse and you knew it yet you went to play even more. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for you or not.

Me: *sigh*

Shorty: Hmph

Me: You know since I’ve had this I’ve been thinking about what else I would sacrifice over golf. Then I thought, if you let me choose between whether to shag a really pretty girl or play a round of 18 holes golf, I would pick golf. That’s how much I love golf.

Shorty: That’s common sense. Why go for one hole when you have can have 18? HAHA

#114

Out of desperation to have a speedy recovery of my wrist so I can go back to playing golf sooner, I resorted to Chinese medicine. Was in bed when Shorty had just boiled some of the herbs for me.

Shorty: Tadaa! Here is your Chinese medicine. Blaarghh.. smells bad.

Me: Ok give it to me! *takes a sip*

Shorty: *watches diligently for my facial reaction*

Me: *cringes* Yuck.

Shorty: HAHA! How does it taste?

Me: Do you hear that sound Shorty?

Shorty: What sound?

Me: It’s the sound of my taste buds dying. They’re screaming “Aieeeeeeee”.

Shorty: HAHA what does it taste like?

Me: Like damn bitter la

At dinner with some friends later that night.

Me: So this Chinese medicine I’m taking tastes damn bad. Like damn bitter.

Friend: Maybe that medicine is for applying, not for drinking.

Me: ….

Shorty: ….

Shorty and me look at each other…

Shorty: No la no la it’s for drinking la!

#115

Having a steak dinner. My steak arrives.

Me: *looks at steak*

Shorty: What?

Me: *picks up knife with sprained wrist wrapped in a brace and clumsily cuts my steak*

Shorty: Aiyo aiyo so poor thing ok la I cut for you la!

Me: *takes photo to post on Instagram*

Ok before I start I want to tell you guys about a new favorite secret restaurant that Shorty and I have been going to. It’s called Osteria Realblue and its in Solaris Dutamas (next to Publika). It’s by an Italian with a Malaysian wife and they specialize in home made pasta. It’s one of these places that’s awesome but because it’s hidden nobody knows about it. I went for lunch there today and it was totally empty. It occurred to me that if I didn’t blog about them to support them they might shut down or something so if you want to try something different, check out Osteria Realblue.

My favorite dish is the Crespella with Truffles.

Ok on to today’s Things Shorty & Fatty Say…

#111

Walks into the room topless.

Shorty: Wah this Fatty so fat!

Me: …

Shorty: I wonder how this stomach got so big. Did your organs grow?

Me: Ohhh funny girl huh. What did you do? Think about this joke this morning when I was at work then waited all day before you used it on me?

Shorty: No no… it was a spur of the moment thing. Hahaha!

#112

Walking in Pavilion to meet Shorty so we can go home together. I’m walking really quick because I need to go to the toilet bad. Standing on the escalator I let out a silent fart. I then hear some high heeled steps climbing right behind me and see Shorty giving me a big smile as to say hello.

Me: Oh… found me then quietly sneaking behind me huh.

Shorty: Hehe… *pauses… sniffs sniffs* Fuk larr you fart again ahh…

Me: Hehehehe…

Shorty: *shouts* WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!?!?!?!?!

Everyone on the escalator turns to look at us. 

Me: *face turns red*

Shorty: *pinches her nose shut and smiles at me*

Me: *grabs Shorty and whispers*Ohh… like that la… call me out and embarrass me in public.

Shorty: HAHAH who ask you fart!

Me: I was just here alone minding my own business and then you came along into my cloud of fart. Not my fault!

Shorty: Still… Kempen Sopan Santun (Common Courtesy Campaign). Must call rude farters out in public!

Me: Ohhh use Kempen Sopan Santun on me la! The women in front now looking at me one kind.

Shorty: You should’ve thought about that before you farted.

Me: Can’t help it what… people fart!

#108

Went to the gym today with Shorty.

Shorty: Eh Fatty you take my bag with you la. Just use your locker so I don’t need to get another one.

Me: Ohhh ok… *brings in Shorty’s bag into Men’s changing room with me*.

After our session

Me: So I almost forgot to tell you. When I walked into the changing room with your bag there were two half naked well-built guys there. They noticed me carrying your bag and there was an awkward silence. I am never carrying your bag in again.

Shorty: HAHA….

Me: Of all the bags you could have brought today… of the many many bags you have. You had to bring this one.

Shorty: What? What’s wrong with my bag?

Me: It looks like a furball that’s what. I can’t think of a more feminine bag.

Shorty: What about my cat bag?

Me: I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

#109

Jogging on the treadmill

Me: *headphones on watching a movie*

Shorty: *suddenly appears next to my treadmill and stares into my soul*

Me: YEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *stumbles*

Shorty: …

Me: WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU! You scared me!

Shorty: I’m done!

#110 

One of our Line Messages today

Disclaimer: Before reading today’s story, know this. Shorty and I throw insults, curse and make fun of each other all the time. We know each other well enough to take it very light-heartedly and we laugh about it. This is in no way how we talk to anyone else so keep an open mind when reading the following. The below has a bit of cursing so it’s probably 18SX/18SG.

#107

Sitting at my study table on my computer without my shirt on because it’s hot.

Me: WOAH!

Shorty: What what?

Me: Shorty you wanna see something?

Shorty: What?

Me: Oh wait nevermind maybe you shouldn’t see it.

Shorty: What what?

Me: Well just my fat. You wanna come see my fat when I’m sitting down?

Shorty: *walks over* OMAIGAWD!!!

Me: HAHAHAHA… I even have a line there that makes up a mini swiss roll kind of thing.

Shorty: What do you mean a line? LINES… many lines.

Me: HAHAHAH.. soon I’ll have man boobs too. Then you can grab my boobs.

Shorty: *in a given up kind of tone* F*cckkkkkkkk…. f*cking fat….

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Shorty: You fat f*ck.

Me: Well if my name is Fat F*ck. That makes you Audrey F*ck…. or Mrs F*ck HHAHAHA.

Shorty: Then you’re Mr F*ck what!

Me: Well that makes us… The F*cks. “The F*ck are coming over for dinner later”. HAHAHAH

#105

While I’m at work I get an SMS that my supplementary credit card for Shorty has just been charged $1.99 by iTunes. Messages Shorty. 

When I get home later.

Me: Ok explain yourself. What did you buy!

Shorty: Hhehehe  How you know I bought?

Me: Cuz you used my supplementary credit card what!

Shorty: Eh I thought I used my own.

Me: No you used mine. So what did you buy?

Shorty: Hehehe…*hugs me and manjas*

Me: What? Line Stickers right? Stickers for sure.

Shorty: No… I bought…. Candy Crush moves.

Me: WHAT?!?!?!

Shorty: Cuz cuz I needed just one more move to get past the level.

Me: YOU SPENT RM6 ON A MOVE SO YOU CAN ADVANCE IN CANDY CRUSH?!?!? THIS IS A BIGGER WASTE OF MONEY THAN STICKERS!!!

#106

At 1-Utama for the Nuffnang Screening of Flight. We parked our car and found ourselves walking through a departmental store.

Me: What the hell? I can’t find our way out of this damn departmental store. How do you get out to the mall?

Shorty: That’s the thing about departmental stores. They trap you in here so you have to buy something.

*5 minutes later*

Me: Whew… ok finally we’re out. Where are we now?

Shorty: We’re in the new wing right?

Me: Really? Oh then we need to walk this way…. to get back to the old wing…

Shorty: Ok…

Me: How come I don’t remember this part of the new wing being like that?

Shorty: Oh I mean this used to be the old wing then they renovated it.

Me: You mean we’re in the new new wing? Not the old new wing?

Shorty: I guess you could say that.

Me: Dammit… other way then!

#103

Woke up early for golf this morning. By the time I got back home in the afternoon, Shorty was out with her friends. I messaged her.

 

3 hours later…

#104

While waiting for food at dinner 

Shorty: Come take picture!

*snaps*

Shorty: Haha!

Me: Send to me send to me! I post on Instagram first!

Shorty: *opens Instagram app*

Me: HOI!!!

Shorty: *clicks to post Instagram photo* HEHEHEHE

Me: NO!!! WHY YOU DON’T LET ME POST FIRST!!! No difference wan what you have so many more followers than me!!!

Shorty: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Me: *tries to grab phone*

Shorty: NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! *fights*

Me: Okay fine we see who got more witty caption for the photo then get to post first ok?

Shorty: No… my caption is just going to be “Me and Fatty”.

Me: WHAT?!?! NUUUuuuuuuu!!!!!!

We ended up posting the same picture with our own different captions. You can see them on our Instagram accounts @timothytiah and @fourfeetnine.

Edited: Ok some of you guys have asked for an English translation of the Malay verses below so I’ve edited them in

————–

Hi Guys,

Ok ok because of the overwhelming comments I got in the previous post about Things Shorty & Fatty Say, I’m going to extend it for another 100 ok? #100-#200. I initially thought that it wasn’t that popular because I didn’t exactly get that many comments or NuffnangX likes on the Things Shorty & Fatty Say posts. So you see? If you don’t comment I don’t think you like them. Anyway I’ve decided to continue for another hundred. So starting today I started paying attention to the things Shorty and I say to each other.

#101

I was away in Singapore for Valentine’s Day for work. Then I came back on an early morning flight today.

Me: Shorty! I bought something for you for Valentine’s Day.

Shorty: What what? *stands in front of me with hands together like a child waiting for a present*.

Me: TADAAA!!! Hello Kitty Toothpaste!

Shorty: OOOoooooo

Me: And Hello Kitty toothpaste won’t be complete without….. TADAAAAA… HELLO KITTY TOOTHBRUSH!

Shorty: WOOOOoooo… OK I GO BRUSH MY TEETH NOW…. ah dammit I brushed already.

Me: Brush tonight la… what’s the hurry? Why get present must straight away use?

Shorty: HEHEHE

Me: OK! Imma go sleep now… damn tired.

*I go to shower and crawl to bed to sleep after*

—- 1 hour later——

Me: *gradually wakes up and rolls around the bed only to suddenly see Shorty bent over me staring at me* EEEYAAAAHHH!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

Shorty: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Me: Leave me alone!

Shorty: Ooooo very apt huh the shirt you wearing now. Come I take picture.

Me: DON’T YOU DARE! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Shorty: *snaps*

Later on that day when I saw that picture.

Me: WHY YOU TAKE THIS PICTURE OF ME!!! FROM BELOW MY CHIN SOME MORE SO UGLY LOOK LIKE I AM DAMN FAT LIKE THAT!!!

Shorty: HAHAHAH!!!

#102

 Shorty and I went to the club in the afternoon. I went to play some golf and Shorty went for a swim. We met up for an early dinner later on at a Japanese restaurant.

Me: So how was your swim Shorty.

Shorty: Hmmm… was ok?

Me: Was the pool nice?

Shorty: Ya… I think I attracted quite a bit of attention.

Me: Why?

Shorty: I was kicking around with my papan apung in the kids pool. Then the life guard asked me why is it I don’t swim in the adults’ section and I said I scared.

Me: Scared what you have a papan apung!

After dinner while walking out of the restaurant.

Me: Come I help you carry your Papan apung la since you carrying so many things.

Shorty: HEHEHE…. Saya sebuah papan apung. Bertuahnya saya makan bersama pemilik saya makanan Jepun malam ini. (I am a float [common essay title for learning Malay in primary school]. I’m so lucky to have a Japanese dinner with my owner tonight)

Me: HAHA!… Nasi Goreng Garlic yang dimakan bestnyaaa…. (The garlic fried rice that was served tonight was awesome)

Shorty: Mmmmm ya saya dapat bau Nasi Goreng Garlic itu… (I got to smell the garlic fried rice)

Me: Sebelum makan malam, saya berenang dengan pemilik saya di …… (Before my dinner I swam with my owner at the…)

Shorty: Kolam renang… (swimming pool)

Me: Di kolam renang kanak kanak. Malunya berenang bersama kanak kanak. Bila lifeguard tanya pemilik saya mengapa tak berenang di bahagian orang dewasa pemilik saya kata …. takut. (At the children’s swimming pool it was so embarrassing to swim with the kids. When the lifeguard asked my owner why is it she doesn’t swim in the grown-ups pool she said…. she’s afraid).

Shorty: HAHA you make me sound so stupid!

#100

Shorty and I are in Hokkaido for a conference. It’s city Sapporo is covered in snow.

When Shorty and I checked into our hotel we saw this.

Me: Umm… two single beds. Looks like we gonna have to squeeze together on one of them.

Shorty: What? You take one bed I take the other la!

Me: Cannot! Husband and wife must always sleep together!

Shorty: *looks at bed again*…. CANNOT SQUEEZE LA… YOU SO FAT!

#96

Drawing money at an ATM

Shorty: *pokes finger at me* Money or life?

Me: Money or wife?

Shorty: HAHA good one good one!

#97

Me: Shorty do you know my “cousin” Josephine is coming to KL tomorrow?

Shorty: Who?

Me: The girl who’s not really my cousin but shares the same surname as me so I call her cousin. From Brunei one.

Shorty: OHHH!!! She’s coming to KL?

Me: Yeah

Shorty: WOW! KL must be a huge change for her.

Me: Ohhh….. like that huh… making fun of people who come from smaller town laaa….

Shorty: Nonono I mean… Brunei is good la.. just must be different la cuz KL is such a big city in comparison. Just like you come from Penang to KL.

Me: Ohh… trying to make your case better but actually making it worse huh.

#98

While paying for parking

Parking Machine: Please insert amount in coins and bank notes.

Shorty: *grabs one dollar notes from me* I WANT TO DO I WANT TO DO.

Me: What? Acting like you never put money into an autopay machine before.

Shorty: HEHEHE

Me: I thought you’re an expert at putting money into an autopay machine. Just like how you last time put in an RM100 note and got back RM98 in coins as change.

Shorty: HAHAHA HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

Me: I know la… you told me what. And it took me 1 month to slowly use up those coins until I was done. Terrible la this girl.

Shorty: HAHAHA… actually I did it once more after that.

Me: WHAT?!?

#99

Shorty is telling me a story about something that happened to her…

Shorty: So right that day I bought this Hello Kitty ang pow packet right and I put it on Instagram… and then…

Me: WAIT WAIT HANG ON *interrupts* …. YOU BOUGHT ANG POW PACKETS?!?

Shorty: Hehehehe yeah….

Me: YOU BOUGHT ANG POW PACKETS??!?!

Shorty: Yah just to give to our nieces and nephews.

Me: WHO BUYS ANG POW PACKETS?!?!?!?!

Shorty: But they’re soo cuteee… and they’re Hello Kitty.

Me: AGAIN… WHO BUYS ANG POW PACKETS WHEN WE GET THEM FREE?!?!?!

Shorty: Heheheheh but they’re cute!!!

Me: *smacks forehead*