#144

During a family dinner

Me: *looks at Shorty’s bag* What is this on your handbag! Why do you still have this Eva Air baggage tag on your handbag?

Shorty: Hehe got Hello Kitty mah….

Me: Take it off la!

#145

Shorty: Fatty did you realize that you woke up last night and started saying things?

Me: Huh? No.. what did I do?

Shorty: You were speaking in your sleep then you suddenly woke up and sat up and then went “Go on?!”… and then you looked around then you went back to sleep.

Me: Oh… do you know what I dreamed of last night?

Shorty: No what.

Me: I dreamed that you went to hold another guy’s hand. So what I was probably mumbling in my sleep was “BITCH!!!”.

Shorty: HAHAHA!

#141

Shorty: *wakes up from an afternoon nap after I come back from work*  Fatty!

Me: Wah good life huh! Sleeping while your husband works to put food on the table huh!

Shorty: HEHEHE… I just had one of the best dreams ever.

Me: What what?

Shorty: I dreamed that I was still living in my home. My old home when I was a kid. And I had a small pet elephant.

Me: …

Shorty: And the elephant is damn cute! It’s damn round. The backside is like a basketball like that. In the dream it fell into a pail of water and when it fell you can see the big round ass sticking up. AHAHAH damn cute.

Me: Okay…

Shorty: Such a nice dream such a nice dream….

10 minutes later…

Me: Do you know that our neighbors have a cat?

Shorty: When did you go to our neighbors house?

Me: When you were sleeping.

Shorty: WOW SO MUCH HAPPENED WHEN I WAS SLEEPING. I had an elephant, the neighbor had a cat.

#142

Me: I love this song!

Shorty: That sounds like the kind of song that you will like.

Me: What is the kind of song that I would like?

Shorty: You know… All American Reject-sy type.

Me: You also what!  You like everything that sounds Beatles!

Shorty: No… I like so many types of songs.

#143

I recently bought a set of Doraemon stickers on Line. I never thought of myself as one to buy Line stickers but some of the cute ones make Shorty and I laugh a lot sometimes and so I thought all the laughs we had from them were worth the few dollars we paid. Here are some of the conversations we had with my new Doraemon stickers. Somehow they all revolve around planning for meals. Heh.

a) When Shorty told me that dinner was going to be late. (This was the first time she saw my Doraemon stickers)

b) When I was supposed to meet Shorty and her parents for dinner and I thought I was going to be late.

c) When Shorty was asking me what our dinner plans were before our dinner/movie date.

d) When Shorty was telling me that dinner was cooked and she was waiting for me.

e) When Shorty asked me what our lunch plans were while I was at work.

#138

Some time ago

Me: *shouts* SHORTY!!!

Shorty: *comes running* What ? What?

Me: Why you always leave your clothes around. It looks as if you disappeared into thin air.

Shorty: Oh hehehe…

Me: PICK IT UP!

Just recently…

Me: *walking to the bathroom and I come across this*

Me: *shouts* SHORTY!

Shorty: *comes running* What what?

Me: What is this? Why is there a great wall of your stuff blocking my way to the bathroom?

Shorty: Oh hehehhe

Me: Am I supposed to pay toll?

Shorty: Hehehe

Me: Clear it!!!

Shorty: But but but…. I put so much work into building….

Me: CLEAR IT!!!

#139

In our study. Shorty is at her side of the room on her computer and I’m on mine.

Shorty: Ooohh after we resized our new pics, our Foruchizu site so nice!

Me: Oh ok I check it out.

Shorty: You wanna come see or not?

Me: I’m loading from my side.

Shorty: *darts over*

Me: *sees Foruchizu’s new site* HAHA THIS STUPID SHORTY… SO FUNNY!

Shorty: What what?

Me: HAHA you just look cute la on that picture in front. I thought you said you don’t want to put your face on the website.

Shorty: Not to model but just on the front. Now click on the clothes link.

Me: Hmm… that model looks familiar…. like someone I know.

Shorty: Bobo…

Me: I know la. It’s nice. I’m proud of you Shorty * ruffles Shorty’s hair and hugs her*

#140

After some drinks with friends one day…

Me: You know I kinda enjoy listening to my friend’s single life and setting him up with girls. I feel like I’m living vicariously through him.

Shorty: Yah yah… I feel the same too. When I talk to Angela also and listen to how she’s enjoying her single life, it’s like I’m living vicariously through her too.

Me: *puts arm around Shorty’s shoulder* You know… even after reliving the fun single people have meeting someone new and dating… I still feel like I married the best girl out there.

Shorty: Hahaha… I feel like I married the best guy too *rubs Fatty’s tummy*

Carries on walking down a long corridor…

#134

Watching an action movie in the cinema. Action hero attacks a bad guy with a gun resulting in a fist fight and snapping of the bad guy’s neck.

Shorty: Maybe you should learn some of these skills Fatty. Might come in useful.

Me: You mean you want me to learn how to snap someone’s neck?

#135

Shorty: Fatty… studies have proven that women need more sleep than men.

Me: …

Shorty: See? Not my fault…

#136

Me: *walks into our room* What the hell? How did our mirror get there?

Shorty: Hehe… I moved it earlier today.

Me: What? So you can take picture of yourself with the sunlight coming in?

Shorty: Ya…

Me: How did someone so Short and small in size manage to move a mirror much taller than her from one end of the room to the other?

Shorty: Hehe…. magic *snorts*

Me: What are you snorting about?

Shorty: You don’t know meh? The Mr Bean scene when he goes “magic *snorts*”

#137

Shorty and I were out walking around our condo when we passed by the swimming pool

Shorty: WHY IS THE WATER GREEN?!!?

Me: I have no idea. Maybe they didn’t maintain it well.

Shorty: LOOK!! There’s a guy swimming in it.

Me: How do you know he’s swimming and not just melting in the acid water?

Shorty: HAHA!

#130

Going to a fashion event that night

Me: Ok I’m ready.

Shorty: You’re going in that?

Me: Ya why?

Shorty: You’re going in a t-shirt? Wear a proper shirt la!

Me: I don’t like wearing shirts!

Shorty: *stares*

Me: Bahh fine.

Later at the event…

Me: Look how well dressed everyone here is. Phewww lucky I wore a shirt.

Me: Everyone here so high-class Shorty. I feel so out of place. Don’t think we belong here.

Shorty: Ya haha.

#131

Me: Shorty, check out my replies to my Instagram comments about your outfit.

Shorty: HOhhh… Funny huh…

#132

During the fashion show catwalk

Shorty: That girl looks like Avatar.

Me: Yeah supposed to be art-sy I guess.

Shorty: She must be thinking to herself “Fuck lar everyone else gets to wear normal clothes!!!”

Me: AHHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!!!

#133 

After the fashion show ends

Me: Ok Shorty lets make like a hockey player and GET THE PUCK OUTTA HERE!!!

Shorty: HOhhhh!! Use my joke huh…

Me: HAHAHA. *turns to Ringo* Yo Ringo… lets make like a hockey player and get the puck outta here!!

Ringo: ….

Shorty: Eh tell people where you got the joke from.

Me: No need… my joke now. Haha!

#126

I had food poisoning just a couple of days ago. Been throwing up and having diarrhea. Last night I came back after dinner so tired I slept at 10PM and woke up at 11AM the next day.

Me: *wakes up in the morning* OMG I slept 13 hours! I’m becoming more like Shorty. Soon I might start losing height and become a Short Fatty.

Shorty: HOH!!! Actually my record is 14 hours of sleep.

Me: I would never dare beat that.

#127

Me:* Weighs self on weighing scale in our bathroom*  WOW!! I lost 1KG Shorty!

Shorty: Please la.. that’s because you had food poisoning so you lost all that water weight.

Me: Ye of little faith…

#128

Typing today’s update for Things Shorty & Fatty Say when Shorty comes up behind me

Shorty: Take out that last line in this conversation.

Me: HOHHH!!!!

Shorty: You always add one extra line after the punch line. Not necessary one.

Me: HOHHH!!! Teaching me how t0 write Things Shorty & Fatty Say huh? Teaching ME HUH!? Like teaching Leonardo Da Vinci how to PAINT!

Shorty: *points at title* Ya what… It’s Things SHORTY & Fatty say Fatty…..

#129

Messaging each other

#125

Me: Shorty Shorty come I tell you a joke I just heard!!!

Shorty: What? What?

Me: Okok… when three people have sex together its called threesome right?

Shorty: Ya…

Me: Then when it’s two people, it’s twosome right?

Shorty: Ya…

Me: Then what do you call……

Shorty: *interrupts* Someone who uses hand? HANDSOME LAH!!!

Me: …. eh how you know?

Shorty: Old joke already la this one. Heard it so many years ago!

Me: Ohh… *looks down*

Shorty: This fatty ah ! So out of date huh

#122

Since we watched the musical Les Miserables, Shorty has been off and on reading the novel Les Miserables. She normally finished full novels in a matter of days but Les Miserables took her much longer than that because she said it was difficult to read. Being a book that was written some 150 years ago or so. So last night at dinner…

Me: So… gave up reading Les Miserables already?

Shorty: No… I finished it already.

Me: Oh really? How was it?

Shorty: Basically the ending is really sad la. Unlike the musical, in the book Marius actually drove Valjean away from Cosette after he learned about Valjean’s past. So Valjean knew he was not welcomed and for the sake of Cosette just stayed away. Then he began to fall sick and was dying one day when Thenadier showed up at Marius’s house and told him the truth about Valjean. And Marius later realized that Valjean was the one who saved him from the barricade. So Marius and Cosette rushed to see Valjean but he was in his last few moments by then. So he dies…

Me: But before he dies he gives Cosette a letter right?

Shorty: Hmm I can’t remember… *pulls out kindle*. Nah why not you read the last chapter. It’s quite nice.

Me: Ok… *starts reading*

Shorty: *peeks over* HAH… not so easy to read right? “Thou art here!”.

Me: What? Thou art means you are here what. Wah think your husband is an idiot huh!

Shorty: Haha nono but the rest of the book was hard to read. It can spend one whole chapter to describe a church.

#123

Shorty and I take turns to drive sometimes. When she drives I control the music in the car and when she drives she controls it. We both have a DJ name for ourselves. I call her DJ Shorts and she calls me DJ Fats. So just today, Shorty is driving…

Shorty: Ok DJ Fats! Play the music.

Me: *plays Party Rock anthem and sings along* SORRY FOR PARTY ROCKINGGGGG…. untz untz untz untz untz untz

Shorty: Change it please.

Me: What what’s wrong?

Shorty: Something without a beat please.

Me: Ok… I know just the song…. DJ FATS IN THE HAUSEEEEE YOOO… *plays the following song*

Shorty: Are you just trying to irritate me?

Me: HAAHAHHAHA

Shorty: Why? Who composed this song and why would he even do it?

#124

At lunch today.

Shorty: Wanna go to North Korea fats?

Me: Hmmm let me think about it… how about No?

Shorty: Why not? Will be so adventurous. And we don’t need a visa to go.

Me: Ummm… no.

Shorty: Why? They organize guided tours so you’re all protected and all. Even the Google boss… what’s his name.. Larry Schmidt….

Me: ….

Shorty: Larry Schmidt went with his daughter. It’s Larry Schmidt right?

Me: ….

Shorty: So if Larry Schmidt who has so much to lose can go.. why can’t we?

Me: First of all. There is no Larry Schmidt. The ex CEO of Google is Eric Schmidt.

Shorty: Oh haha okok… and there’s a Larry in there somewhere right?

Me: Yes… that’s one of the Co-Founders and current CEO Larry Page.

Shorty: Haha okok… ohh…. just now I ask you if the name correct or not and you didn’t say no.

Me: I didn’t say yes either. I just wanted to see how far this will go.

#120

Brought some of the Nuffies to Lafite in Shangri-la for dinner. It was a reward dinner for some good work they did. At the end of it I got the bill:

Waitress: Excuse me sir do you have a HSBC credit card?

Me: Nope. Why ah?

Waitress: If you have a HSBC credit card you get 30% discount.

Me: WOW that’s a lot.

Shorty: I GOT I GOT! *takes out her credit card and gives to waitress*

Waitress: Thank you *walks away*

Me: Ok Shorty you pay first I pay you back.

Shorty: Ok!

Me: What’s your credit card limit?

Shorty: I don’t know. Think it’s about RM500, but should be ok lah. Why? How much is the bill?

Me: RM1,850.

Shorty: Ohh… boy this is going to be embarrassing.

Me: The waitress is going to come back with a rejected card and we’re all going to have to put on some aprons and do some dish washing behind.

Waitress walks back with the bill…

Shorty: Here it comes……. *covers head*

Waitress: Excuse me Sir. Sorry I just realized that the HSBC promotion expired. So there’s no more discount. Would you still like to use this card?

Me: Oh is it? Oh no no it’s okay.. I’ll use my own card.

Waitress: Certainly *takes card and walks away*

Shorty: Whew… dodged that one.

#121

Shorty and I were at the Nuffnang screening of Oz The Great and Powerful. It was a premiere and we were watching it before it was released in the US. So we had to deposit our phones before we enter the cinema and collect them back again after the movie. You know, in case someone tried to record it and release a bootleg DVD version of it. The only slight inconvenience of this process is that there’s often a queue to collect the phone once the movie ends.

Towards the end of the movie

Me: psst Shorty. Should we leave now before everyone else… and skip the queue?

Shorty: But the movie never end yet.

Me: Ending soon already.

Shorty: How you know?

Me: Aiyah the bad guy all beaten already mah…

Shorty: Nvm wait first.

Credits start rolling.

Shorty: OK GOGOGO !!!

Me: OKOK LETS GO LETS GO… HUSTLE HUSTLE…. *rushes from the back of the cinema to the entrance.

Shorty: HAHAHAHA (somehow when we’re rushing to beat the queue, Shorty tends to laugh.. I don’t know whether it is a laugh of excitement or an evil laugh of having beat everyone else).

Me: *reaches exit of cinema* WE DID IT! WE’RE AHEAD OF EVERYONE… BWAHAHAHA!!

Shorty: Shit shit Fatty I left the things I bought at Topshop just now at our seat.

Me: WHAAAATTTT????

Shorty: I have to go get it.

Me: Fine I wait here for you.

Waits for Shorty while everyone else strolls past us

Shorty: Ok got it lets go.

Me: Well Shorty… we might as well have waited for everyone to leave just now then. We’re now the last people. Why don’t we sit down and have a coffee?

Shorty: Haha sorry sorry.

Me: Now we gonna have to line up like everyone else.

Shorty: Ok ok ok …

Me: It was a good plan Shorty… wonderfully executed too if I may add.

Shorty: Hahaha

Me: Are the contents of the bag worth it? I was seriously considering leaving the bag behind.

Shorty: HAHA I thought about it too but I had to because our ticket for the phone collection is inside the bag.

Me: Great.

We were pleasantly surprised later on to find out that we got through the line really quickly. GSC and the movie distributor did a wonderful job in very efficiently returning the phones. Great job guys! Oh and Oz was an entertaining one adventure.

#119

Playing computer games in my study late some time after dinner.

Shorty: *shouts from the distant bathroom* FATTY!

Me: YEAH??

Shorty: HAVE YOU SHOWERED??

Me: NOT YET!!

Shorty: BETTER SHOWER NOW. NO WATER!!!!

Me: *dashes over to the shower while undressing in one single magical motion*

5 minutes later

Me: *comes out of shower wet* No water eh?

Shorty: Haha … really wan…

Me: So.. what did you do? Was taking a shower when you wondered to yourself: “Hmm… if I told Fatty that we have no water supply. How long will it take for him to get to the shower. (A) 10 seconds? (B) 20 Seconds or (C) 30 Seconds?

Shorty: It was “A” by the way. HAHA suddenly saw one naked man running past me.

Me: Ohh… so trick your husband huh for your own entertainment huh?

Shorty: NOO it wasn’t a trick. Really no water… like the water pressure getting less and less.

Me: Oh really?

Shorty: Ya really.

Me: Then how do you explain… THE ABUNDANCE OF WATER I JUST HAD IN MY SHOWER!!!