#171

Walking in KLCC talking about lung cancer

Me: Yah I think my family genes have a high risk of lung cancer. My grandfather died from it many years ago and so did my aunty. Also from that side of the family many of my aunties and uncles have asthma or weak lungs.

Shorty: *squeezes me* FATTY!!! DON’T DIE ON ME!!!

#172

While shopping for groceries. I’m at the cashier paying the bill.

Shorty: I go return the trolley first.

5 minutes pass

Shorty: Oh whew! Found you!

Me: What?

Shorty: Had trouble finding you. You know why?

Me: Why?

Shorty: You’re wearing the same green as all the Village Grocer staff here.

#173

I had just finished swimming and was in the car on the way home with Shorty. 

Me: Wah Shorty I’m so proud of myself today.

Shorty: Why?

Me: I decided I was going to swim 10 laps in the pool and was going to break it to 5 laps first then break for a while then finish another 5. But as I did the first 5 I decided to push myself to do 6. Then when I got 6 I decided to push to 7…

Shorty: *picks up book and starts reading*

Me: And then I pushed to 8, then 9 and then finally I swam 10 laps non-stop! An achievement for me!

Shorty: Wow! Good job Fatty.

Me: Are you even paying attention to what I said?

Shorty: Yes I am.

Me: What am I telling you about?

Shorty: Your swimming.

Me: How many laps did I swim?

Shorty: Ten laps.

Me: Was it ten laps non-stop or did I stop halfway?

Shorty: Ummm…. you didn’t say.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!!? THE WHOLE POINT OF ME TELLING YOU THIS STORY WAS THAT I SWAM 10 LAPS NON-STOP!!!

Shorty: But it’s good either way whether you stop or not!

Me: That’s not the point!!!!

Shorty: Okok… good Fatty.

Me: Hmph… now I know you don’t really listen to me huh. Don’t know during our wedding did you listen to me when I said “I Do”. For all you know I could’ve said “NUUUUU GET MY OUT OF THERE” but you just went “Awww… I do too darling”.

Shorty: Oh just because of one incident you say I don’t listen to you huh!

Me: Hmph.

Ten minutes later.

Shorty: So how was your swim?

Me: Oh are you sure I was swimming? For all that matters I could’ve been moon-walking.

#169

One day after work

Me: So Shorty I told David that if we have a boy I plan to name him Maximus. He said it was a damn good idea.

Shorty: Of course la! It’s David!

Me: In fact he gave me an even better idea. He said I should name him Thor.

Shorty: Thor Tiah??? Sounds like a bad word in Hokkien.

Me: No… just Thor. And maybe with a lightning bolt symbol after his name.

Shorty: Don’t be stupid lah!

#170

During dinner with some of Shorty’s friends.

Alison: So have you thought about what you’re going to name your baby if it’s a b0y?

Me: Yep. Maximus.

Alison: Maximus Tiah???

Me: No… just Maximus. No surname or any other name.

Alison: HAHAHA How can!

Shorty: YALAH I already told him they’re going to make fun of him in school.

Alison: Ya they’re going to call him Minimus in school.

Me: Maximus will kick their ass if they do.

Shorty: They’re just going to call him Max.

Me: And I’m going to train him to not accept people calling him Max.

Shorty: NOT MAXIMUS LAH!!!

After that dinner on a picture taken with one of her other friends that night on Facebook. Read the comments.

#167

Saw this Dove commercial.

So I shared it with Shorty over Twitter.

In the car later that day.

Me: So you saw the Dove commercial I shared with you right?

Shorty: Ya.

Me: You replied me so fast on Twitter, I don’t know whether you even watched it or not.

Shorty: I did la!

Me: Hehe… so according to the commercial… I look better than I think I do.

Shorty: ….

Me: So I’m actually quite good looking then….  right?

Shorty: Aiyo aiyo this Fatty…. fishing for compliments is it?

Me: *pouts* No…

Shorty: Ok la ok la you are very handsome ok?

Me: You say only… you don’t really mean it.

Shorty: No la really la.. you very handsome mah!

Me: And skinny… *pouts again*

Shorty: And skinny also…

Me: Yay!

#168

Shorty comes home so I hide lying down next to the bed.

Shorty: *walks over straight to me* Bad news Fatty.

Me: What?

Shorty: You’re too fat to hide. I could see you the minute I walked in.

Me: Dammit!

#165

So just last week Shorty dropped her phone on the road and her screen cracked. It cost RM850 to get it fixed. When she brought it home I was taking a look at it…

Me: What’s this? Why is the glass so thick now?

Shorty: I bought this anti-shatter protector so that if I drop it, the glass won’t shatter. *gives a stupid face*

Me: HAHAH WHAT’S WITH THE STUPID FACE! WAIT I WANT TAKE PICTURE OF THIS STUPID FACE.

Me: HAHAHA SO UGLY THIS FACE.

Shorty: Hhehehe

Me: Ohh other people buy screen protector, you buy some sort of bulletproof glass huh. What about a phone cover to protect the sides?

Shorty: Ohh yeah *digs into some boxes of upcoming Foruchizu stock and pulls out a casing*

Me: What kind of phone casing is that? Looks like a furball.

#166

About ten minutes later I’m watching this video on YouTube.

Me: Eh Shorty come see this video.

Shorty: Oh this video. I saw already. He made it through but the girl got rejected right?

Me: -______________-

Shorty: OH you haven’t watched yet? Sorry sorry… HAHAHAHA look at that face! Come take picture of that face!

Me: *looks at picture* FUCKING UGLY LAH!!!

Shorty: HAHAHAHA… just now you take ugly picture of me also!

Me: Fine!

We watched the rest of the video.

Me: So the girl didn’t get rejected what!

Shorty: Ohh ya I guess I remembered wrongly. SURPRISE!!!

I’m going to end up with a nice picture of Shorty and I to make up for all the ugliness you had to endure in this post.

I apologize for that.

#161

Over dinner yesterday

Shorty: My baby bump is missing today.

Me: No what… when you eat then it grows bigger but when your stomach is empty cannot find wan right?

Shorty: No it’s gone today. Out for lunch.

Later that night

Me: How? Your baby bump still gone?

Shorty: Yah

Me: Let me see…  *feels Shorty’s tummy*

Me: Who said gone? Can see and feel it. It’s beautiful.

Shorty: Heh heh really?

Me: Yah… *walks back to my computer*

Shorty: *walks over like a penguin* wants more praise….

Me: Your baby bump is beautiful. It’s our kid!

Shorty: Hehe…

#162

Shorty and me recently watched Dumb and Dumber again. This is one of our favourite scenes…

Many times in the following days, this would happen between Shorty and me.

Shorty: MOCK….

Me: ….

Shorty: *nudges*

Me: Oh ING….

Shorty: Nuuu!!! You say “yeah”.

Me: Okok…

Shorty: Mock…

Me: Yeah…

Shorty: ING

Me: Yeah…

Shorty: BIRRDDD

Me: Yeahh….

Shorty: Yeahh…

Me: Yeahhh

Both: MOCKINGBIRD DON’T EVERYBODY HAVE U HEARD… SHE GONNA BUYYYY ME A MOCKINGBIRD!!! \

#163

Watching Millionaire Matchmaker on TV. A scene where this Millionaire serenaded his date.

Me: I also got serenade you!

Shorty: Where got?

Me: MOCK…..

Shorty: HAHAHA that one is not you serenade.. its we sing…..

Me: ING….

Shorty: Hey you forgot the YEAH!

Me: YEAH… MOCKINGBIRD DON’T EVERYBODY KNOW… SHE GONNA BUYYY ME A MOCKINGBIRDDD!!

#164

Shorty is semi-sleeping in bed…

Me: The Shorty is a narcoleptic creature that requires more sleep than many other creatures on this planet….

Shorty: *grumbles*

Me: The Shorty is the most hostile to outsiders when it’s trying to sleep. Often attempts to disturb it at that point will be met with an “OI!!”… or “MMMM!!!!”…

Shorty: Hehe… go on go on…

Me: However once the Shorty falls into deep sleep, no sound will be loud enough to wake it up.

Shorty: Some more?

Me: This is Timothy Tiah for National Geographic. Catch us next week for our next episode of “The World’s Weirdest Creatures”.

Shorty: HEY!!!

#158

Shorty has this pink luggage bag that she got me to buy for her some years ago. It’s pink with white polkadots. At first I thought it was a cute bag to buy for her, but I later began to regret buying her that bag. Why?

Some time after we bought the bag. We were rolling our luggage bags on the outside LCCT pathway to the planes. 

Shorty: *pant pant*

Me: What are you doing?

Shorty: What ? What?

Me: Why are you carrying your bag? It has wheels. Roll it lah!

Shorty: I don’t want to spoil the wheels.

Me: IT’S MADE TO ROLL!

Shorty: Dowan.

Me: Fine…

Shorty: *pant pant* I can’t take it….. too heavy…

Me: FINE LA GIMME THAT BAG. *carries that bag for the rest of the journey*

Just a few days ago at the airport.

Me: Ok lets go check-in our bags.

Shorty: Huh? Check in ah? I don’t want to check-in my bag.

Me: Well I’m going to check-in my bag so you might as well.

Shorty: It’s ok I think I hand-carry.

Me: You have liquids in there right?

Shorty: Dammit…

At the check-in counter.

Shorty: Hi, can you put fragile sticker on my bag?

Check-in staff: Sure. What’s in the bag?

Shorty: *mumbles* lass

Check-in staff: Ohh ok.

Me: What’s in the bag?

Shorty: Nothing nothing.

Me: What what?

Shorty: Uhmm… glass….

Me: You don’t really have glass in the bag do you?

Shorty: SHH SHH!

So the airline staff ended up putting on a fragile sticker on it.

#159

While getting off the plane

Me: Wah this Shorty?

Shorty: What what?

Me: Can stand up straight from the seat without having to bend down a little huh?

Shorty: HAHAHA…

#160

While walking around my room, Shorty comes and suddenly hugs me with the top of her head right under my chin.

Me: What what?

Shorty: I love you Fatty…

Me: Why suddenly?

Shorty: No la.. just feel very lucky to have married you. You’re always there for me.

#154

After a tiring jog around the neighbourhood one evening. I walk to our front door and realize that I forgot to bring my keys. So I ring the doorbell.

*ding dong*

Shorty: *opens door slightly and looks at me suspiciously* I don’t want to buy anything.

Me: What?

Shorty: I don’t want to buy anything. *shuts door*

Me: OI!!!

Shorty: *opens door* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH

Me: Stupid huh this girl.

Shorty: HAHAHAHAH what were you thinking when I did that?

Me: I felt like punching this person. So annoying. After such a tiring jog still want to make it difficult for me to get into my own house.

#155

Looking at a Facebook picture of one of someone who was wearing this really low cut top.

Me: Look at her boobs. They’re just doing their thing, hanging around at the event.

Shorty: Hanging is right *nods*… HAHAHAHAHA

#156

Shorty is behind me while I’m at my computer.

Shorty: Fatty!

Me: What?

Shorty: Guess who Brown belongs to (Brown is the name of the Line bear we recently got).

Me: Who?

Shorty: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

#157

I’m in the car driving when Shorty is talking to me.

Shorty: So this supermarket in the US was being foreclosed on by the bank and lots of poor people were lining up outside waiting to get some of the food they were going to throw out. But then the bank didn’t distribute the food but instead shipped everything out to a landfill.

Me: *stops the car and looks to the left to see this*

Me: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING AIR-CONING YOUR FOOT!

Shorty: HAHAHA “air-coning”… Sorry hot.

#150

Shorty and I were going through a whole long list of baby names to see what we would name Fighter if it turned out to be a boy or a girl. So we were going through the names for boys.

Shorty: Tyler.

Me: Nah.

Shorty: Connor.

Me: Nah…

Shorty: How about Luke?

Me: Nah I already know a Luke.

Shorty: Colin.

Me: How about Megatron …. HAHAHA

Shorty: Don’t be stupid.

Me: Okok… but seriously now… how about Maximus.

Shorty: What kind of name is Maximus?!? What is he? A gladiator in Roman times?

Me: EXACTLY!!! Fighter mah… we can’t have “Fighter” somewhere in his name… so why not name him after a Gladiator.

Shorty: NO.

Me: Why not?

Shorty: He sure kena made fun of wan lah… people in school are going to call him Maxi pad. Even my brother Barry also they call him Straw-Barry.

Me: So what? Nobody would dare make fun of a Maximus. He would kick their ass.

Shorty: WE ARE NOT NAMING OUR SON MAXIMUS!!!

Me: Okay fine…

Shorty: Samuel…

Me: Nope…

Shorty: Caleb…

Me: Nope…

Shorty: How about Parker? Quite nice also Parker?

Me: Hmmm…

Shorty: On second thoughts… don’t want ah, people sure call him “Farker”.

Me: HAHAHAHAA!!!

#151

Shorty and me always fight about who gets to announce things on Instagram/Twitter/Blogs first. So on the day we announced the arrival of Fighter (which was last week)…

Shorty: As the person carrying Fighter in my stomach, I have the right to post first.

Me: Whatt??? But I contributed to the sex of the Fighter.

Shorty: SO!?!?! Big deal! I had to suffer nausea, morning sickness, heartburn…

Me: Why do you care anyway!!! You can post a picture on Instagram one year after I do it and it will still get more likes than me.

Shorty: HAHA so might as well let me post it first.

#152

Back in February while Shorty was in her first trimester, she had all sorts of morning sickness, nausea and all that.  So one day while I was away in Singapore for work we had a video call:

Shorty: ARGGGHH!!! I feel like shit lahh… I have nausea and heart burn… I can’t take it anymore!

Me: There there Shorty… it’s all for Fighter ok?

Shorty: FUCKING FIGHTER!!!

Me: OI DON’T CURSE FIGHTER!!! He or she is just trying to grow.

The next morning was Valentine’s Day though so I messaged her to wish her (Note that since my phone got snatched I had to get the following screenshots from Shorty’s phone. And on her phone my name is “Fatty Tiah”.

 

#153

At the gynae doing our 8 weeks scan to see if Fighter is ok. The screen turns on and we for a brief few seconds we see Fighter’s little legs and hands moving around.

Me/Shorty: IT’S MOVING!!! WOW!

Doctor: Yes yes… it’s beginning to grow its hands and legs.

Shorty: HAHA SO CUTE!

Me: It’s a miracle.

Fighter is now 13 weeks and counting 🙂

#148

Shorty in the bathroom and me in the bedroom.

Shorty: Fatty!!!

Me: What? *walks over*

Shorty: You see that pregnancy test box. Can you tell me what two lines mean?

Me: It means positive.

Shorty: OH MY GAWDDD!!! I think I’m pregnant….

Me: What?

Shorty: I’m pregnant.

Me: No la can’t be. Not so easy one…

Shorty: Well if what you read on the box is true then I am…

Me: …

Shorty: That’s it? No reaction?

Me: Hold on hold on… how do you expect me react to this….

#149

Now that Shorty was pregnant we started reading up a bit about pregnancy. We also learned that 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and for people with Shorty’s condition, that rate jumps to 45%. So Shorty and I were very worried and it was very nerve wrecking just for us waiting to get past the first trimester when the pregnancy stabilized. One day we had this conversation:

Shorty: I”m so worried.

Me: Yeah me too but I don’t think we should be worried. Come on Shorty… our baby isn’t going to give up so easily. He or she is a fighter. You know the song by Gym Class Heroes? The Fighter? That’s his or her theme song. *sings* There goes the fighterrrrrrrr!!!

Shorty: Hahah….

Since that day… we always referred to our baby as Fighter.

#146

Shopping at Giant when Shorty comes across these Hello Kitty hand soap dispensers.

Shorty: OOH!

Me: Haih ok fine… if you want to buy go ahead. We can afford little luxuries like that…

Shorty: OH OK!!! *grabs one and puts in the basket*

Me: WAH really taking it literally huh this girl! Didn’t even hesitate buying this huh.

Shorty: What! You say can mah…

Me: Fine fine…. Oh there’s actually soap inside already.

Shorty: Yah… see? Useful!

#147

Shorty: HAHAHAHA FATTY FATTY!!! Come I tell you this funny joke I read on Reddit.

Me: Ok what?

Shorty: So this is a thread about the most “I’m totally fucked” moment you’ve ever had. And this guy’s story is that he was at the US/Canadian border and he needed to take a crap…

Me: Oh there we go… another shit joke… I kinda saw this coming…

Shorty: Nonono… it’s not what happened to him that’s funny. But basically at the end of the story he said he managed to make it to the toilet and he said “Alas I managed to unleash the demon in me into its watery grave.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: Oh…

Shorty: Then someone replied “Alas? Maybe he actually wanted to shit his pants”. HAAHAHAHAH!!!

Me: Oh… uhh hahaha…

Shorty: Not funny meh?

Me: What’s so funny? Alas just means “at last” right?

Shorty: HAHAHAHAA MY POOR STUPID FATTY *ruffles my hair*…. No wonder you didn’t get the joke. “Alas” means  “too bad”.

Me: Oh… I knew that…

Shorty: HAHAHAH sure lah!