A couple of months ago when my wife was away in Croatia for a week-long holiday I had a ball of a time with my kids.
With Shorty not being around, I was the new “Mommy!”.
Every time the kids needed something, they asked for me. Every time something good happened to them and they wanted to show someone, they showed me. It was heaven.
Then Shorty came home and all that changed. Fighter who for the past week had wanted me to be with him every minute of the day started pulling himself away. Whenever I went up to him he would say “I don’t want Daddy!”.
I was heartbroken and I took his words very personally. Then Shorty explained it all to me.
Put ourselves in the shoes of our little ones now. For the first couple of years of the life they know, they’ve never had choice.
They couldn’t choose when they wanted to eat, what they wanted to eat, when they could sleep or when they could play.
They couldn’t even express themselves to tell anyone clearly what they liked and what they didn’t.
Then something magical happened: they learned to talk.
Learning to talk gives them a whole newfound independence. They for the first time in their lives had choice.
Fighter could finally tell someone that he likes “chicken” and “ice-cream” and he doesn’t like “vegetables”. He could also tell when he wanted to go swimming or when he wanted to sleep and when he didn’t.
That newfound independence applies to people he hangs out with. There are times when he feels like hanging out with Daddy and there are times (especially when Mommy has been away for a week) where he just wants to hang out with Mommy.
Saying that he doesn’t want Daddy isn’t saying that Daddy isn’t important.
He’s just saying “I want to hang out with Mommy right now”.
We adults take it very personally because we often don’t realize that while our little ones are old enough to tell us what they don’t want, they’re not old enough to tell it to us in a diplomatic way that doesn’t hurt our feelings.
Since I’ve understood this I find I cope with Fighter’s rejection a lot better. It’s not even real rejection that he rejects me… it’s just that he feels like hanging out with someone else.
So whenever Fighter now tells me that he doesn’t want Daddy, I reply him and say “Okay… Daddy will go away for now but I’m here whenever you want me ok?”.
I recently learned that my helper who takes care of Fighter went through the same thing when my parents’ helper whom Fighter adores came to visit us. So I’ve told her the same thing I’ve learned and I think she feels a little better.
So the next time you feel a little hurt when your little ones say that they don’t want you… don’t. Understand what they really mean by that… and what they don’t.
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space