Over a steamboat dinner, I was talking to some of my married friends the other day on how things worked in our respective marriages. Every marriage it turns out has its own chemistry and way of finding its balance.
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It made me reflect on my own marriage with Shorty and how we manage things.
Our marriage is based on this premise:
1) We believe that life is tough and full of challenges.
2) We believe that marriage is a partnership between the both of us to go through the ups and downs of life.
3) The goal of our partnership is to LIVE WELL. We don’t aim to be super rich, have super kids that score straight A’s in school or be known as super parents. We just want us and our family to live well.
With this in mind we broke down the 3 things that are important in life to live well. To achieve these things, Shorty and I as partners in life decided to specialize. I will take full responsibility of some things and she will of others. So below are the 3 things we want to achieve and whose responsibility it is.
1) Financial Security (Responsibility: Me)
My main responsibility and contribution to our partnership is to provide financial security. We don’t have to be rich. We just need to be financially secure. Shorty earns money on her own from her blogging and all that money is hers to keep. I always believed that a woman should have her own money because money gives her independence.
I’m not expected by Shorty to be rich or provide a very luxurious lifestyle, but I nevertheless try to afford some luxuries. Luxuries like having helpers at home to help Shorty with the house and kids or luxuries like being able to eat out without having to think twice.
2) Happy family and a Good Home (Responsibility: My wife)
When it comes to taking care of the kids and our home, it’s under Shorty. That means even when I’m not working and say Fighter needs to change his diaper, Shorty or our helper will do it. Once in a while I help out but when I do, Shorty will say “Thank you” to me for helping out even though I’m really carrying out my fatherly duties. She says thank you because it’s an acknowledgement that I’m helping her out with an area she’s responsible for.
Similarly every now and then Shorty helps to pay for a family expense and when she does so I say “thank you” as acknowledgement that she’s helping me with my responsibility.
I think this part is really important. My father once told me that a man can only be successful if he has the right woman beside him. He went on to elaborate on how the right woman plays a very important part. For example, if the wife is working then she helps by supporting the family with her income (in that case 1 and 2 will be shared responsibilities with both the working husband and wife).
Then I asked my Dad “What if my wife is a housewife?”.
He then told me that housewives contribute just as much but in a different way. A housewife’s main contribution is taking care of the family and the house. “A successful man can only be focused on career when he has a peaceful and stable house to get back to” he said. A good housewife provides that and more.
I feel that Shorty gives me that peace and stability. She handles everything in our home and kids (with the help of our helpers). If either of my kids are sick, I can travel for business having rest assured that my wife is giving them the best possible care. After work I come home to a peaceful home. We don’t fight often and when we do we end it there and then without the need for long cold wars.
This environment allows me to focus my mind on my work and bringing back the pay cheque to afford my family a good life.
3) A Great Husband-Wife Relationship (Responsibility: Shared)
This is something we both agreed is a shared responsibility. We both owe it to each other. I owe it to her to constantly show her love, appreciation, romance and she owes me the same. I sometimes surprise her with an act of love and she sometimes surprises me too.
We think it’s important that we both spend quality time together regularly. Now we used to spend weekday nights just watching Netflix together but we realised that doesn’t really help us properly catch up. So what we do now is every few week days nights we would go out together. We’ll drive out somewhere far away and have ice-cream.
The time in the car allows us both to catch up in conversation and because I’m driving I can’t be distracted by my phone. We find the conversations we have on these night drives help grow our relationship and help us understand each other better.
Shorty and I have been in a relationship for 8 years now and married for 4. By many measure we’re still a young married couple so I don’t know what the future holds for us and in no way am I saying that every marriage should function like this. I think every marriage strikes their own balance.
For us, splitting the responsibilities have given us purpose to our daily grind. Every day we wake up and get about our busy days we know exactly what we’re doing it for and how what we are doing leads to our goal of living well.
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space