Yesterday I came across this news article that was being shared about how the grown-up kids of this old lady tried to starve her to death. It bothered me that people could do that to their own mother who had done in my opinion one of the hardest jobs in the world.
You see… I’ve only been a father for 9 months. In this 9 months I’ve experienced both the joy of having a baby and the sacrifice a mother (my dear wife) has had to make.
Here’s why I think mothers have the hardest jobs in the world.
1) It’s a job too many people teach you how to do
From Day 1 of being a new mother, you start hearing advice from all over on how you should raise your kid. Should you breastfeed your baby for a year or 6 months, should you sleep train your baby? Should you pick up your baby each time he cries?
Everyone from your mother-in-law to friends or people online tell you all sorts of things. While it wouldn’t be too much of an issue if everyone had one common piece of advice on everything… but the truth is everyone has their different ways. So mothers have to figure out who to listen to and make a decision. Which brings me to the second part….
2) Making decisions for someone who can’t decide for himself
In life we have to make a lot of hard decisions. The one comforting fact that we sometimes take for granted is that most decisions we make are for ourselves. So if I make a bad decision… most of the time the consequences are mine alone to bear.
Having a baby gave me a very different feeling. For the first time in my life, both Shorty and me had to make decisions for him and if they were wrong decisions then he would bear the consequences. Not me. Everything from the smallest things like circumcise or not to which jabs to take to what to feed him… to big things like when Shorty had pre-eclampsia and we were trying to decide whether it was best to deliver him or keep him in.
While I share the burden and the responsibility of making decisions our son, I feel Shorty takes it upon herself to be extra cautious when it comes to these decisions. Because she’s Fighter’s mother.
3) The Outside Pressure
There’s a lot of pressure from being a mother. I’ve heard of mothers who want to breastfeed but just can’t seem to do it no matter how hard they try. Feeding formula to your newborn to some is a big no no. So they keep trying and then eventually fall into depression.
Then there’s pressure from smaller things. Like when you’re in a quiet restaurant and your baby stops crying and you try hard but can’t seem to get him to calm down. Some people will look over and smile… some will look over annoyed and you can’t help it either way.
4) The feeling of Helplessness
Solving a problem at work is often quite manageable. It’s often a matter of talking to people and putting the problem through a process.
Problems parents face aren’t easily solved. I’ve seen Shorty really stressed out when Fighter wouldn’t eat or sleep no matter what she did. At the end of it I will see her holding our crying child with a look of helplessness in her face. Nothing is more heartbreaking to a husband than looking at his wife feeling helpless at any situation she needs to solve so when that happens I normally try to take over Fighter.
Sometimes I don’t do any better in getting Fighter to eat or sleep. But at the times that I do….. Shorty looks at me like I’ve just cured cancer.
5) Mothers are some of the busiest people I know
Much of Shorty’s day is spent bathing Fighter, changing his diaper, feeding him and trying to coax him to sleep. The last one being one of the most tricky and time-consuming ones. She actually has to put him on her chest and rock him to sleep. One slightest sound that wakes him up and she starts from scratch again.
Yes if we sleep trained Fighter that would help but we admittedly have never had the discipline to do it well.
Even when Fighter is awake he expects to be carried almost all the time. At most he can stay quiet on his own for about 20 minutes or so before he starts kicking a fuss and cry until someone carries him.
Watching Shorty trying to get ready to go out is like watching The Amazing Race. She would rush in for a quick shower, then rush out again to carry Fighter for a while, then distract him and then rush to change. Then back to carry him again… then put her eyeliner on and back and … well you get the drift.
I understand now why it’s a tough expectation for mothers to continue to look or dress up every singe day as well as they did in their pre-mother days.
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When sharing our experiences as newbie parents, Shorty said one thing to me that day “If we find it so hard now, how do you think it’ll be like when Fighter is a rebellious teenager and says hurtful things to us?”.
If I only knew then what I knew now….
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space