Many of you ladies must already know that CLEO magazine always has this page in every issue where readers can write in and ask questions about sex (heck I remember blogging about this once before).
One of my female friends reads a lot of CLEO so whenever I see one I rush through to read the Question & Answer sections.
I’ve always thought the answers to those questions were always politically correct and sometimes not brutally honest. One day if I’m free and all, it might be fun for a while to be one of those “Dear Thelma” people. Maybe a “Dear Boss…”
I’ll do a really good job at answering the questions. Really! Here’s my trial run.
Question 1
Question: “Every time when my husband and I have sex, he likes to squeeze by breasts hard. It hurts after that. I just want to know if there would be any infection to my breasts if he were to do this to me regularly”.
Answer: Every time he squeezes your breasts, squeeze his nuts equally as hard… you know just for fun. I bet he’ll be the one worrying about swelling or an infection.
Question 2
Question: I’ve always felt sorry for women whose boyfriends ogle other women in public. Especially when these girls are thinner or younger than the women they are with. i love the fact that if my boyfriend does check out other women when I’m around, he does it in such a discreet way that I have never noticed.
Until now. The other day, I caught him red handed. To my shock however, the woman he was “appreciating” was in her mid fifties at least. Yes she was immaculately dressed and rather striking, but still. I almost would have felt better if it had been some bimbo. What’s the attraction here?
Answer: WHAT?!?! A NON-SUPERFICIAL MAN?!?! BLASPHEMY!!!
Question 3
Question: The other day, my boyfriend of six months made a strange request in bed. He wanted to lick honey off my body. I told him I’d think about it but to be honest am a bit put off by the stickiness factor and having to wash it all off afterwards. How do i break the news to him without sounding as if I’m not open to trying new things in bed.
Answer: Easy. Do the honey thing ONCE. Then after that tell him you have a fetish for shit and you want him to smear shit all over you, then lick it all off.
If he refuses to do so say “What the hell?!?!? I thought you wanted to be adventurous in bed?!?! YOU PUSSY!!! I’m not doing that honey thing for you ever again!!!!”
Problem solved.
Question 4
Question: I’m 18 years old. Last week my boyfriend hugged me and we kissed for a really long time which left me feeling very aroused. Can I become pregnant this way? I’m scared.
Answer: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! YOU HUGGED AND KISSED?!?!? Did you know that HUGGING AND KISSING alone has a 95% higher chance for you to get pregnant compared to having actual sexual intercourse?
Not only that, if you were to conceive via HUGGING and KISSING, your baby will come out evil with a really big head, a red jumper and big plans to take over the world!!!
Question 5
Question: My recently ex-boyfriend cheated on me and I want revenge. I want the world to know what a two-timing sleaze he is and how he hurt me. I’m thinking of putting his name and photo on one of those Websites which warn women not to go out with certain men. Should I go ahead?
Answer: You know this is why it’s dangerous to date bloggers. Imagine if I dated Skyler.
If I screwed up, she will blog about what an asshole I am and the whole world will know. Then anyone who Googles you name will know what a bastard I am!!! Oh but back to answering your question… ermm.. yeah go ahead. I’m sure he’ll “care”.
See? I’m good eh.. you guys would write to my column eh?
I mean I’ve very practical about. No nonsense mushy mushy politically correct answers from me.
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space