I’ve already written what I think might be the last Things Shorty & Fatty Say #200. I know some of you have commented and asked that this go on but let me explain why I think it has to end. I believe that all good things have to end some time. It’s just a matter of when. It’s whether you want to end on a high or on a low. Sir Alex Ferguson had to choose a time he had to retire from being manager of Manchester United, and Shorty’s favourite TV show friends had to end too.
Everything has a shelf life and my fear is that if Things Shorty & Fatty Say go on to say #1000, eventually you guys are going to get so bored of it, it’s going to have a very sad ending. That’s why I want to end it. Not because I don’t have fun documenting our conversations sometimes… but because I think we should choose to end things at its peak, although I think its sort of passed its peak in a way. Why do I think it’s passed its peak? I look at the number of comments I get and I don’t get as many comments as I used to.
So today I decided to really reflect on whether this should continue or this should stop now. I went through and read all the #199 other conversations I have put on this blog. Some made me aww…. some made me laugh but all of them made me smile. I decided to compile my 10 personal favorites. Here they are. (be warned… super long post ahead)
NUMBER 10
#100
Shorty and I are in Hokkaido for a conference. It’s city Sapporo is covered in snow.
When Shorty and I checked into our hotel we saw this.
Me: Umm… two single beds. Looks like we gonna have to squeeze together on one of them.
Shorty: What? You take one bed I take the other la!
Me: Cannot! Husband and wife must always sleep together!
Shorty: *looks at bed again*…. CANNOT SQUEEZE LA… YOU SO FAT!
NUMBER 9
#101-#102: My Valentine’s Day Gift to Shorty
Edited: Ok some of you guys have asked for an English translation of the Malay verses below so I’ve edited them in
————–
Hi Guys,
Ok ok because of the overwhelming comments I got in the previous post about Things Shorty & Fatty Say, I’m going to extend it for another 100 ok? #100-#200. I initially thought that it wasn’t that popular because I didn’t exactly get that many comments or NuffnangX likes on the Things Shorty & Fatty Say posts. So you see? If you don’t comment I don’t think you like them. Anyway I’ve decided to continue for another hundred. So starting today I started paying attention to the things Shorty and I say to each other.
#101
I was away in Singapore for Valentine’s Day for work. Then I came back on an early morning flight today.
Me: Shorty! I bought something for you for Valentine’s Day.
Shorty: What what? *stands in front of me with hands together like a child waiting for a present*.
Me: TADAAA!!! Hello Kitty Toothpaste!
Shorty: OOOoooooo
Me: And Hello Kitty toothpaste won’t be complete without….. TADAAAAA… HELLO KITTY TOOTHBRUSH!
Shorty: WOOOOoooo… OK I GO BRUSH MY TEETH NOW…. ah dammit I brushed already.
Me: Brush tonight la… what’s the hurry? Why get present must straight away use?
Shorty: HEHEHE
Me: OK! Imma go sleep now… damn tired.
*I go to shower and crawl to bed to sleep after*
—- 1 hour later——
Me: *gradually wakes up and rolls around the bed only to suddenly see Shorty bent over me staring at me* EEEYAAAAHHH!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?
Shorty: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Me: Leave me alone!
Shorty: Ooooo very apt huh the shirt you wearing now. Come I take picture.
Me: DON’T YOU DARE! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Shorty: *snaps*
Later on that day when I saw that picture.
Me: WHY YOU TAKE THIS PICTURE OF ME!!! FROM BELOW MY CHIN SOME MORE SO UGLY LOOK LIKE I AM DAMN FAT LIKE THAT!!!
Shorty: HAHAHAH!!!
#102
Shorty and I went to the club in the afternoon. I went to play some golf and Shorty went for a swim. We met up for an early dinner later on at a Japanese restaurant.
Me: So how was your swim Shorty.
Shorty: Hmmm… was ok?
Me: Was the pool nice?
Shorty: Ya… I think I attracted quite a bit of attention.
Me: Why?
Shorty: I was kicking around with my papan apung in the kids pool. Then the life guard asked me why is it I don’t swim in the adults’ section and I said I scared.
Me: Scared what you have a papan apung!
After dinner while walking out of the restaurant.
Me: Come I help you carry your Papan apung la since you carrying so many things.
Shorty: HEHEHE…. Saya sebuah papan apung. Bertuahnya saya makan bersama pemilik saya makanan Jepun malam ini. (I am a float [common essay title for learning Malay in primary school]. I’m so lucky to have a Japanese dinner with my owner tonight)
Me: HAHA!… Nasi Goreng Garlic yang dimakan bestnyaaa…. (The garlic fried rice that was served tonight was awesome)
Shorty: Mmmmm ya saya dapat bau Nasi Goreng Garlic itu… (I got to smell the garlic fried rice)
Me: Sebelum makan malam, saya berenang dengan pemilik saya di …… (Before my dinner I swam with my owner at the…)
Shorty: Kolam renang… (swimming pool)
Me: Di kolam renang kanak kanak. Malunya berenang bersama kanak kanak. Bila lifeguard tanya pemilik saya mengapa tak berenang di bahagian orang dewasa pemilik saya kata …. takut. (At the children’s swimming pool it was so embarrassing to swim with the kids. When the lifeguard asked my owner why is it she doesn’t swim in the grown-ups pool she said…. she’s afraid).
Shorty: HAHA you make me sound so stupid!
NUMBER 8
#141
Shorty: *wakes up from an afternoon nap after I come back from work* Fatty!
Me: Wah good life huh! Sleeping while your husband works to put food on the table huh!
Shorty: HEHEHE… I just had one of the best dreams ever.
Me: What what?
Shorty: I dreamed that I was still living in my home. My old home when I was a kid. And I had a small pet elephant.
Me: …
Shorty: And the elephant is damn cute! It’s damn round. The backside is like a basketball like that. In the dream it fell into a pail of water and when it fell you can see the big round ass sticking up. AHAHAH damn cute.
Me: Okay…
Shorty: Such a nice dream such a nice dream….
10 minutes later…
Me: Do you know that our neighbors have a cat?
Shorty: When did you go to our neighbors house?
Me: When you were sleeping.
Shorty: WOW SO MUCH HAPPENED WHEN I WAS SLEEPING. I had an elephant, the neighbor had a cat.
#142
Me: I love this song!
Shorty: That sounds like the kind of song that you will like.
Me: What is the kind of song that I would like?
Shorty: You know… All American Reject-sy type.
Me: You also what! You like everything that sounds Beatles!
Shorty: No… I like so many types of songs.
#143
I recently bought a set of Doraemon stickers on Line. I never thought of myself as one to buy Line stickers but some of the cute ones make Shorty and I laugh a lot sometimes and so I thought all the laughs we had from them were worth the few dollars we paid. Here are some of the conversations we had with my new Doraemon stickers. Somehow they all revolve around planning for meals. Heh.
a) When Shorty told me that dinner was going to be late. (This was the first time she saw my Doraemon stickers)
b) When I was supposed to meet Shorty and her parents for dinner and I thought I was going to be late.
c) When Shorty was asking me what our dinner plans were before our dinner/movie date.
d) When Shorty was telling me that dinner was cooked and she was waiting for me.
e) When Shorty asked me what our lunch plans were while I was at work.
NUMBER 7
#150-#153: What we will name Fighter
#150
Shorty and I were going through a whole long list of baby names to see what we would name Fighter if it turned out to be a boy or a girl. So we were going through the names for boys.
Shorty: Tyler.
Me: Nah.
Shorty: Connor.
Me: Nah…
Shorty: How about Luke?
Me: Nah I already know a Luke.
Shorty: Colin.
Me: How about Megatron …. HAHAHA
Shorty: Don’t be stupid.
Me: Okok… but seriously now… how about Maximus.
Shorty: What kind of name is Maximus?!? What is he? A gladiator in Roman times?
Me: EXACTLY!!! Fighter mah… we can’t have “Fighter” somewhere in his name… so why not name him after a Gladiator.
Shorty: NO.
Me: Why not?
Shorty: He sure kena made fun of wan lah… people in school are going to call him Maxi pad. Even my brother Barry also they call him Straw-Barry.
Me: So what? Nobody would dare make fun of a Maximus. He would kick their ass.
Shorty: WE ARE NOT NAMING OUR SON MAXIMUS!!!
Me: Okay fine…
Shorty: Samuel…
Me: Nope…
Shorty: Caleb…
Me: Nope…
Shorty: How about Parker? Quite nice also Parker?
Me: Hmmm…
Shorty: On second thoughts… don’t want ah, people sure call him “Farker”.
Me: HAHAHAHAA!!!
#151
Shorty and me always fight about who gets to announce things on Instagram/Twitter/Blogs first. So on the day we announced the arrival of Fighter (which was last week)…
Shorty: As the person carrying Fighter in my stomach, I have the right to post first.
Me: Whatt??? But I contributed to the sex of the Fighter.
Shorty: SO!?!?! Big deal! I had to suffer nausea, morning sickness, heartburn…
Me: Why do you care anyway!!! You can post a picture on Instagram one year after I do it and it will still get more likes than me.
Shorty: HAHA so might as well let me post it first.
#152
Back in February while Shorty was in her first trimester, she had all sorts of morning sickness, nausea and all that. So one day while I was away in Singapore for work we had a video call:
Shorty: ARGGGHH!!! I feel like shit lahh… I have nausea and heart burn… I can’t take it anymore!
Me: There there Shorty… it’s all for Fighter ok?
Shorty: FUCKING FIGHTER!!!
Me: OI DON’T CURSE FIGHTER!!! He or she is just trying to grow.
The next morning was Valentine’s Day though so I messaged her to wish her (Note that since my phone got snatched I had to get the following screenshots from Shorty’s phone. And on her phone my name is “Fatty Tiah”.
#153
At the gynae doing our 8 weeks scan to see if Fighter is ok. The screen turns on and we for a brief few seconds we see Fighter’s little legs and hands moving around.
Me/Shorty: IT’S MOVING!!! WOW!
Doctor: Yes yes… it’s beginning to grow its hands and legs.
Shorty: HAHA SO CUTE!
Me: It’s a miracle.
Fighter is now 13 weeks and counting 🙂
NUMBER 6
#169
One day after work
Me: So Shorty I told David that if we have a boy I plan to name him Maximus. He said it was a damn good idea.
Shorty: Of course la! It’s David!
Me: In fact he gave me an even better idea. He said I should name him Thor.
Shorty: Thor Tiah??? Sounds like a bad word in Hokkien.
Me: No… just Thor. And maybe with a lightning bolt symbol after his name.
Shorty: Don’t be stupid lah!
#170
During dinner with some of Shorty’s friends.
Alison: So have you thought about what you’re going to name your baby if it’s a b0y?
Me: Yep. Maximus.
Alison: Maximus Tiah???
Me: No… just Maximus. No surname or any other name.
Alison: HAHAHA How can!
Shorty: YALAH I already told him they’re going to make fun of him in school.
Alison: Ya they’re going to call him Minimus in school.
Me: Maximus will kick their ass if they do.
Shorty: They’re just going to call him Max.
Me: And I’m going to train him to not accept people calling him Max.
Shorty: NOT MAXIMUS LAH!!!
After that dinner on a picture taken with one of her other friends that night on Facebook. Read the comments.
NUMBER 5
#149: How Shorty told me she was pregnant
#148
Shorty in the bathroom and me in the bedroom.
Shorty: Fatty!!!
Me: What? *walks over*
Shorty: You see that pregnancy test box. Can you tell me what two lines mean?
Me: It means positive.
Shorty: OH MY GAWDDD!!! I think I’m pregnant….
Me: What?
Shorty: I’m pregnant.
Me: No la can’t be. Not so easy one…
Shorty: Well if what you read on the box is true then I am…
Me: …
Shorty: That’s it? No reaction?
Me: Hold on hold on… how do you expect me react to this….
#149
Now that Shorty was pregnant we started reading up a bit about pregnancy. We also learned that 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and for people with Shorty’s condition, that rate jumps to 45%. So Shorty and I were very worried and it was very nerve wrecking just for us waiting to get past the first trimester when the pregnancy stabilized. One day we had this conversation:
Shorty: I”m so worried.
Me: Yeah me too but I don’t think we should be worried. Come on Shorty… our baby isn’t going to give up so easily. He or she is a fighter. You know the song by Gym Class Heroes? The Fighter? That’s his or her theme song. *sings* There goes the fighterrrrrrrr!!!
Shorty: Hahah….
Since that day… we always referred to our baby as Fighter.
NUMBER 4
#14
This happened some time back.
Waiting at a traffic light in the car.
Shorty: *plays with her phone while humming Beatles songs*
Me: *farts* 🙂
Shorty: *continues to hum*
Me: *laughs quietly*
Shorty: OH MAI GAWD!!!!! YOU FART AH?!
Me: HAHAAHAHAHAH
Shorty: *winds down window and waves fart out of the car with hands*
Me: What are you doing?!?! All the exhaust smoke from outside coming in!
Shorty: I don’t care! *sticks head out and gasps for air*
*Family of 4 in the next car looks on in distraught*
Me: Baby you’re embarrassing me!
Shorty: You should’ve thought of that when you farted!
—————-
Another day in the car.
Me: *farts*
Shorty: ….. FUCK LA FATTY!!!!!
Me: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Shorty: STOP FARTING LA! GO SHIT LAR YOU!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t help it Shorty… did you know that the average human body farts 12-18 times a day?
Shorty: Did you know that when you smell fart you actually smell it because actual shit particles go into your nose?
Me: Well my Dad told me if I was going to do something, do it well or don’t do it at all.
——————————-
One day in a crowded elevator
Shorty: *slaps me on my arm* FUK LA BABY YOU FART AGAIN AH?
Me: NO IT WASN’T ME!
Shorty: DON’T BLUFF LA!
*Everyone in the elevator shoots me a dirty disgusted look and covers their nose. Except for the real perpetrator that was silently standing the corner smiling away. Asshole!*
*walks out of elevator*
Me: Just now I really didn’t fart la!
Shorty: Oh issit? Sorry…. HAHA
NUMBER 3
So Shorty and me went sight-seeing today in LA.
#6
While walking down the Hollywood Walk of Fame
Shorty: What kind of name is Butt-Ram?
#7
While touring Warner Bros Studios
Me: Eh come take picture of me here.
Shorty: *snaps picture*
Me: You want one also? Same spot?
Shorty: Ok!
Me: *snaps picture and checks*
Me: Ah nice picture of you. Can see the studio behind.
Shorty: *darts back on to tour bus*
Me: *follows on to tour bus then checks picture Shorty took earlier*
Me: WHAT KIND OF PICTURE IS THIS?! I COULD BE ANYWHERE!!
Shorty: Nuuu the background is very bright.
Me: Then how come I can take such a nice picture of you?
Later on in the tour
Me: Come I take picture of you in front of this police car. Pretend that you’re running away from it.
Me: Nice pictures!!! Alright my turn.
Shorty: *grabs camera and shoots*
Me: Come on… what kind of picture is this? I can’t even see that my legs are running. It looks like I’m clenching my fists to take a shit in front of a police car.
Shorty: Haha I don’t know.
Me: Take again.
Shorty: *snaps*
Me: WOI! This isn’t any better!
Shorty: *snaps*
Me: You know what? I give up… fuk this.
NUMBER 2
#4
Shorty and I were out in LA today. We were walking outdoors after dinner when…
Shorty: Wah… I’m quite strong ah. Only wearing one layer in this cold and I’m feeling fine.
Me: Please la… it’s like you’re wearing a polar bear on yourself.
#5
The thing about the US is that there’s a really strong tipping culture here. You’re expected to tip at restaurants, at a valet at everything. Most of the time we don’t have a choice so we learn to get used to tipping. At restaurants we normally tip 20%. But at times where we can try to save on the tip, we do. One of those times is when we check-in to a hotel. When a bell-boy offers to help us carry bags we all frantically say “NONONO IT’S OK!! WE’RE FINE THANK U”… even if the two of us are struggling to carry 5 bags.
Today though was different. It was raining while we checked into the hotel so this bell boy came to help us carry the bags in. After we got into the hotel:
Shorty: Shit… now we have to tip.
Me: How much do we tip the bell boy ar?
Shorty: I dunno…
Me: Huh? Then how?
Shorty: I dunno… I dunno anything about tipping wan.
Me: OK QUICK… JUST GOOGLE IT. *Whips out phone to google*
Shorty: QUICK QUICK HE’S COMING BACK!!!
Me: OKOK TRIP ADVISOR SAYS $2 PER BAG!!!
NUMBER 1
#15-17: Shorty is a Pro at Parking
#15
So we were in Pavilion couple of days ago and Shorty was driving. I was sitting shotgun, just chilling when Shorty decided to try reverse park into a lot while other cars waited on. She went back and forth back and forth.
Me: Aunty… reverse la Aunty what you waiting for… no people behind you already… AIYOOO WHY U GO AHEAD AGAIN…
Shorty: *ignores*
Me: REVERSE LAAAA… REVERSE…. REVERSE.. REVERSE REVERSE JUST REVERSE… FASTER LAAA AUNTYY!!!
Shorty: DAMN ANNOYING AH YOU!
If you don’t get what I was annoying her with. Well… watch this video.
#16
In spite of having the height of a nine-year old, Shorty drives my big car most of the time. It’s an SUV. One day she called me nearly in tears.
Shorty: Fatty I banged your car *pitiful voice*. I’m sorry.
Me: How?
Shorty: I knocked it on the divider coming out of the car park in Jaya One.
Me: What’s the damage?
Shorty: Just some scratches on the side and a dent.
Me: Ah it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.
Shorty: I’m sorry! You’re not angry?
Me: No la… you’re safe la and that can be fixed. Just costs a bit of money but it’s not like you did it on purpose anyway. Did you?
Shorty: NUuuuuu!
#17
She’s been bugging me to change to a smaller car recently though.
Shorty: Fatty please change to a smaller car la!
Me: Why? I love my car! It’s awesome and you can see everyone and everything from up there.
Shorty: It’s too big for me to drive.
Me: You’ll get used to it la. Once you do you can drive ANY car!
Shorty: Noo I’ve been driving it for so long already. I’ll never get used to it. I still keep banging it!
Me: You banged it once only what!
Shorty: Nuu I banged it a few more times.
Me: YOU WHAT?!
Shorty: YOU SEE! I bang it so often now I don’t even bother telling you when I do!
———————-
So that’s it everyone. It’s been a good run. I’m still thinking whether #200 which will be out in a few days will be the last one or not. But if it is… it was a fun journey 🙂
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space